Deep calls to deep As I lay &s stare at the wall
The well is dry
Too tired to try
As my walk is slowed to a crawl." Greg Sullivan
It is after 10pm and I can't sleep. I know this doesn't sound like it's very late, but I did the Nightwatch in the prayer room last night/early this morning. This means I was in the prayer room from around 10pm last night until 6am this morning. I've only had a few hours of restless sleep, so sleep should come easy...but it doesn't. It avoids me, like the hunted avoiding the hunter. When I laid down a while ago, I was filled with a sense of great sadness. I am alone...more alone than I've ever been. The activity of life swirls around me, but I am alone. I can hear the well-meaning voices now: "Now brother, you know the Lord is with you. He said he would never leave you or forsake you." Thanks for the words, empty and comfortless as they are. I do know that He is with me, but that is not what I'm talking about. Think about it this way: Even Jesus felt alone and totally abandoned. I'm not even necessarily saying it's a bad thing, just a sad thing. I miss Denise tonight. Nothing can change that; not being in a group, not throwing myself at His feet, not new friends, nor old confidant's. I simply miss my wife and that's not a bad thing. It is just a part of the grieving process. I believe the reason the Lord doesn't make it just go away is because He designed this grieving process.
I am coming to understand a concept that is a part of this process: I have decided to call it the "tyranny of the firsts". Here is how I find it working in my life: Everything that I do now is the first time I do it without Denise (at least the first time is the first time). There was the first time that I woke up a widower. The first time I had to buy groceries without her...even now this one makes me cry because we enjoyed going to the Wal-Mart Supercenter together. Simple, daily activities can be a source of pain. Driving down certain roads can also be difficult. Often when I drive down the Highway 27 Bypass, I get to "our road". I can't help but cry, remembering such a short time ago, when with stars in my eyes, I would turn here, knowing I was only 2 blocks from a loving wife, waiting to greet me at the door...only 2 blocks from...home. I have driven by our house a couple times and it was surprisingly easy. Why? Because she made it home. I remember when she went in the hospital in Rossville and I already had most of the house packed for moving to her Moms. A couple times I went to our house to rest, but it was no longer home. She wasn't there... and now I'm homeless, both literally and figuratively. Sure, I have a place to lay my head, but that's not home. Actually, the Lord has used this to allow me to see that we should all live as if we are homeless here. This place is not our home. We are just passing through at a high rate of speed. But while I sojourn, I suffer from the tyranny of the firsts. The things we did together seem to be harder than the things we wanted to do, but never had the chance. Going to a new city, like Kansas City, is a little hard, but not too bad. I may think for a moment, "Oh, Nece would really enjoy this", but then I remember...she could care less about Kansas City. The International House of Prayer? Ha! She is in the ultimate prayer gathering...praying for me and cheering me on...part of the great cloud of witnesses. But I still miss her and from time to time I get sad...like tonight.
He understands the emotions of great loss, because He personally experienced such heavy loss and grief. We tend to think that it was easier for him because he was the son of God. But remember, He was fully man when he experienced these feelings. The loneliness that I feel tonight is nothing in comparison. I wonder why we try so hard to avoid sadness? Sometimes I think that He wants us to experience sadness and sorrow because of His great sadness and sorrow. He longs for His bride...and we are too busy to notice. He sadly looks on us with eyes of compassion and mercy. Look closely and you will certainly see the glimmer of hope and the twinkle of promise in His eyes. He will have his bride and she will be spotless. My desire is to be so caught up in His gaze, that the twinkle in His eye is reflected in mine.
This has been one of the hardest, most painful posts to write and I'm not even sure why. Probably because I'm so tired, but soon enough I will lay down and sleep. It may be a sad sleep, but I will wake in the joy of a new day. Will I be sad tomorrow? I don't hold tomorrow, but if it comes, then I will face it, with a dim yet growing twinkle in my eyes.
The well is dry
Too tired to try
As my walk is slowed to a crawl." Greg Sullivan
It is after 10pm and I can't sleep. I know this doesn't sound like it's very late, but I did the Nightwatch in the prayer room last night/early this morning. This means I was in the prayer room from around 10pm last night until 6am this morning. I've only had a few hours of restless sleep, so sleep should come easy...but it doesn't. It avoids me, like the hunted avoiding the hunter. When I laid down a while ago, I was filled with a sense of great sadness. I am alone...more alone than I've ever been. The activity of life swirls around me, but I am alone. I can hear the well-meaning voices now: "Now brother, you know the Lord is with you. He said he would never leave you or forsake you." Thanks for the words, empty and comfortless as they are. I do know that He is with me, but that is not what I'm talking about. Think about it this way: Even Jesus felt alone and totally abandoned. I'm not even necessarily saying it's a bad thing, just a sad thing. I miss Denise tonight. Nothing can change that; not being in a group, not throwing myself at His feet, not new friends, nor old confidant's. I simply miss my wife and that's not a bad thing. It is just a part of the grieving process. I believe the reason the Lord doesn't make it just go away is because He designed this grieving process.
I am coming to understand a concept that is a part of this process: I have decided to call it the "tyranny of the firsts". Here is how I find it working in my life: Everything that I do now is the first time I do it without Denise (at least the first time is the first time). There was the first time that I woke up a widower. The first time I had to buy groceries without her...even now this one makes me cry because we enjoyed going to the Wal-Mart Supercenter together. Simple, daily activities can be a source of pain. Driving down certain roads can also be difficult. Often when I drive down the Highway 27 Bypass, I get to "our road". I can't help but cry, remembering such a short time ago, when with stars in my eyes, I would turn here, knowing I was only 2 blocks from a loving wife, waiting to greet me at the door...only 2 blocks from...home. I have driven by our house a couple times and it was surprisingly easy. Why? Because she made it home. I remember when she went in the hospital in Rossville and I already had most of the house packed for moving to her Moms. A couple times I went to our house to rest, but it was no longer home. She wasn't there... and now I'm homeless, both literally and figuratively. Sure, I have a place to lay my head, but that's not home. Actually, the Lord has used this to allow me to see that we should all live as if we are homeless here. This place is not our home. We are just passing through at a high rate of speed. But while I sojourn, I suffer from the tyranny of the firsts. The things we did together seem to be harder than the things we wanted to do, but never had the chance. Going to a new city, like Kansas City, is a little hard, but not too bad. I may think for a moment, "Oh, Nece would really enjoy this", but then I remember...she could care less about Kansas City. The International House of Prayer? Ha! She is in the ultimate prayer gathering...praying for me and cheering me on...part of the great cloud of witnesses. But I still miss her and from time to time I get sad...like tonight.
He understands the emotions of great loss, because He personally experienced such heavy loss and grief. We tend to think that it was easier for him because he was the son of God. But remember, He was fully man when he experienced these feelings. The loneliness that I feel tonight is nothing in comparison. I wonder why we try so hard to avoid sadness? Sometimes I think that He wants us to experience sadness and sorrow because of His great sadness and sorrow. He longs for His bride...and we are too busy to notice. He sadly looks on us with eyes of compassion and mercy. Look closely and you will certainly see the glimmer of hope and the twinkle of promise in His eyes. He will have his bride and she will be spotless. My desire is to be so caught up in His gaze, that the twinkle in His eye is reflected in mine.
This has been one of the hardest, most painful posts to write and I'm not even sure why. Probably because I'm so tired, but soon enough I will lay down and sleep. It may be a sad sleep, but I will wake in the joy of a new day. Will I be sad tomorrow? I don't hold tomorrow, but if it comes, then I will face it, with a dim yet growing twinkle in my eyes.
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