On the Inside

I've discovered that there is WiFi in the prayer room, so I write to you now from the inside.

I've been here since 10am & it seems that time almost stops in the anointing. It's strange how life can go quickly or so slowly. Since Nece died it seems an eternity has passed. Prior to that day, life was rushing by so quickly; now everything is in slow motion.

OK, heres the cool part...nameless, faceless people are standing on a stage, leading other nameless, faceless people like me into the very throne room of the King...no fame...no fortune...most them I won't even recognize when I encounter them at the coffeehouse next door...faithfully they sing of His goodness, of His coming kingdom, of His justice & holiness, of His fierce loyalty to a whoring bride & of His determination to convince us of how He has already washed her...spotless...so do I feel spotless??? Nah, but that doesn't matter...

I am amazed at His touch...made quiet by His presence...knowing that soon He & I will talk about disappointment... what do I do with the promises that I'm still carrying around? The ones that obviously cannot come true...children with Nece....these names that I carry....I never knew that the name of a child...the hope of a child...could be soooo heavy.....and I'm carrying 8...and the truth is...for some reason....I can't seem to let them go....Yes, carrying them is painful, but not as painful as letting them go....I'm not sure I can let go of anything else right now...I let go of Nece, of hopes, dreams, visions,...of a warm home where we hosted our friends...of my job and income...of my best friend...of a new friend...of everything that I knew...of my questions....

Yes Lord...I agree with the song they are singing now....Jesus, be my vision....be all that I need. Lord, if you are all that I need, then I will never lack.....I love you Jesus.