Learning To...

I'm not sure where to start this post. I have so many thoughts in my brain and so many emotions in my heart that I feel like I could explode. I'm almost sure that if I exploded right now, the walls wouldn't be covered with blood & guts, but rather with bright colors and flowers and smiles and rainbows. Yes, that's it...rainbows. The thought of a rainbow makes me smile, swelling with hope. I have a deep, new appreciation for this sacred symbol of covenant. It has been perverted and misused by many, but it remains a symbol of covenant...a token of God's promise for a new, brighter tomorrow. In the days of the flood there was destruction and death. The waters rose and everything was changed. The landscape of the earth and all it's inhabitants suffered under the wrath of God. Nothing was left untouched or unchanged. But then came the blessed day...the day of the rainbow, the day of the dove. In the ark, they saw hope for a new tomorrow; a tomorrow where the flood waters have receded and where new life will flourish. It is true that, after the flood, there are canyons carved into places that were formerly untouched, mountains leveled into flatlands, oceans where there had been solid land. The place that was called home just 40 short days ago is gone. Life as they knew it was no more, but they had covenant. They had a rainbow.

I can relate to that today. The flood waters have risen in my life. In over my head, I was in danger of drowning. The deepest parts of me have suffered under the kindness and mercy of the Lord. There are canyons carved deeply into my heart...mountains leveled in my mind. The landscape of my soul has been destroyed and rebuilt; no part of me has been untouched or unchanged. But the Grand Canyon carved into the fabric of my being holds more beauty in the eye of my King than the one in Arizona. He made me, and like clay in the hand of the potter, he destroyed his creation, in order to make it more beautiful. He looks on the oceans of my heart and he see's me teeming with life and He says....it is good. How do I know? Because I have a rainbow...the dove has landed in my heart, carrying an olive branch of peace...and I'm learning to:

Trust again. I am learning that I can and will love again. I don't have to fear anything. I will walk in the plans of God. I will follow hard after Him. I will experience joy and pain again, but I will not fear. I will marry again without fear of losing another wife. How you may ask? Because he has prove Himself faithful; He has brought me through the flood of loss and landed me on dry ground. There is nothing that He can't carry me through. I am his and He is mine. I am learning to trust again...to feel again...to love again...to laugh again...to be me again. Not "Greg the widower" or "Greg the mourner" or "Greg the sad"; I am Greg...a much loved, cherished child of the one and only Living God. I am a warrior, a friend, a son, a singer, a lover of God, a healer, a weak man with a strong God; a paradox of quirks. The dove has landed and I'm learning to:

Fly again. As I move into deeper relationships and friendships, I can do it with new-found courage. The Lord holds my heart in His hand. He has healed me and has given me a new friend. She encourages me with her prayers for me, challenges me to walk in higher levels of holiness and purity. She reminds me that He loves me. She listens to my stories of Denise and often comments that she wishes she could have met Nece. She prays for me and fights for me when I don't feel like fighting. She is....what should I say. I had written a huge paragraph here and then deleted it because I found myself being defensive, feeling like I had to justify myself and our developing friendship. You know what, I don't. She is a wonderful gift from God during this most difficult time in my life. In time, God will reveal what he intends for us. For now, I will enjoy her friendship and thank the Lord for His kindness. The dove has landed and I'm learning to:

Live again. I'm thankful for every breath. For every time I hear the voice of my mother-in-law or my mom or my sister or my friends, I give praise to Jesus. Each time I take a sip of good coffee, I breathe a sigh of thanks. Each time I see the majesty of God in His creation, I want to scream (and sometimes I do!) "Hallelujah!! I'm alive for such a time as this. Every bit of pain is worth it, Lord, because you have created me and you are using each experience, each and every tear that you collect from my eyes, each time I groan because I don't have words, each time I smile...all of it Lord...you designed it for my good. You created me from before the foundations of the earth to go through this experience and to come out of it walking in your power and glory, taking healing to your children. Hallelujah! Thank you Lord for choosing me to endure this; for entrusting this to me. Bless you Jesus. You are Worthy!!! I trust You Lord! "
The dove has landed and I'm learning to....be an admirer of rainbows.