All around me I see the lovers. Young lovers, with newly created stars exploding in their eyes, displaying the power of the first day of Creation. Oh, I recognize that look. Everything is green and alive and free of pain. Even the deep pains of childhood woundings seem to release their cold, hateful grasps as the springtime of new romance blossoms. They take no thought of tomorrow, and that is as it should be; today, in love, is enough.
I see the settled lovers, looking into the eyes of their babies, newborn and fresh. It's all I can do to keep from reaching out to touch their gift, longing to ask the proud parents the sacred name of their future legacy. I ache so deeply. We were going to have 8; four sets of twins. We even had their sacred names chosen. But that was before....before....before what? Before I walked to the edge of the cliff of heresy. Before I teetered on the brink of calling God a liar, or even worse, actually believing that He is a liar. I still struggle with it. I read His Word & I'm taunted by Scriptures like "Ask & keep asking, knock & keep knocking...." or "If our earthly fathers know how to give good gifts, how much more our Heavenly Father?" or "You have not because you ask not" or "Greater works than these shall you do" or my favorite "You will lay hands on the sick and they WILL recover". On and on it goes.... I want to scream at the proud parents; "Don't assume. Don't take a single breath for granted!" But I keep my silence. No need to shatter their illusion with my grief and doubt and sadness. Before what? Before I was swallowed by the greatest mystery I've ever encountered. God is not a liar, but He certainly seems to allow us to lie to ourselves in His name.
I see the seasoned lovers and in some ways they provoke me to jealousy most of all. They grow old together, closer than the closest of friends. They've been through it all...together. Together; what a word. Together in the mornings, with aching bones, popping joints, bad breath, and good coffee...but together. Together in the afternoons, dozing on the couch as they remember the days of their youth and every smile is a reminder of the faithfulness of God. Look at that twinkle; still in love after 30 or 40 years or more. Facing the sad knowledge that soon one of them will go home first...time is so short. I remember telling Nece that even if we lived into our 80's, fifty-something years together wouldn't be enough time. Little did I know that our time would be limited to less than 8 short years...twinkies have a longer shelf life. I cry for the seasoned lovers. I can't imagine losing my best friend after that many years. It was almost impossible after less than a decade. But at least the seasoned lovers had many years....together.
So I close my eyes and still my mind and express my gratitude: Thank you Lord for my Nece. She loved me so completely and selflessly and sacrificially. Lord, I am grateful for every second that you loaned her to me...your Nece, not mine. She knew me as deeply as any human can know another person & she loved and served me with a dedication few men ever know. I was her hero, her Moshe, second only to Jesus. She saw in me a the heart of a warrior and the call of a deliverer, even when I didn't want to see it. How much more you see in me, my King. How much more you sacrificed. How much more you love me Lord. How much more potential you see in me & call forth. Lord I am yours; full of hope, doubt, fear, anger, love, and joy. But I am yours and we will make it through this dark night of my soul....together.
I see the settled lovers, looking into the eyes of their babies, newborn and fresh. It's all I can do to keep from reaching out to touch their gift, longing to ask the proud parents the sacred name of their future legacy. I ache so deeply. We were going to have 8; four sets of twins. We even had their sacred names chosen. But that was before....before....before what? Before I walked to the edge of the cliff of heresy. Before I teetered on the brink of calling God a liar, or even worse, actually believing that He is a liar. I still struggle with it. I read His Word & I'm taunted by Scriptures like "Ask & keep asking, knock & keep knocking...." or "If our earthly fathers know how to give good gifts, how much more our Heavenly Father?" or "You have not because you ask not" or "Greater works than these shall you do" or my favorite "You will lay hands on the sick and they WILL recover". On and on it goes.... I want to scream at the proud parents; "Don't assume. Don't take a single breath for granted!" But I keep my silence. No need to shatter their illusion with my grief and doubt and sadness. Before what? Before I was swallowed by the greatest mystery I've ever encountered. God is not a liar, but He certainly seems to allow us to lie to ourselves in His name.
I see the seasoned lovers and in some ways they provoke me to jealousy most of all. They grow old together, closer than the closest of friends. They've been through it all...together. Together; what a word. Together in the mornings, with aching bones, popping joints, bad breath, and good coffee...but together. Together in the afternoons, dozing on the couch as they remember the days of their youth and every smile is a reminder of the faithfulness of God. Look at that twinkle; still in love after 30 or 40 years or more. Facing the sad knowledge that soon one of them will go home first...time is so short. I remember telling Nece that even if we lived into our 80's, fifty-something years together wouldn't be enough time. Little did I know that our time would be limited to less than 8 short years...twinkies have a longer shelf life. I cry for the seasoned lovers. I can't imagine losing my best friend after that many years. It was almost impossible after less than a decade. But at least the seasoned lovers had many years....together.
So I close my eyes and still my mind and express my gratitude: Thank you Lord for my Nece. She loved me so completely and selflessly and sacrificially. Lord, I am grateful for every second that you loaned her to me...your Nece, not mine. She knew me as deeply as any human can know another person & she loved and served me with a dedication few men ever know. I was her hero, her Moshe, second only to Jesus. She saw in me a the heart of a warrior and the call of a deliverer, even when I didn't want to see it. How much more you see in me, my King. How much more you sacrificed. How much more you love me Lord. How much more potential you see in me & call forth. Lord I am yours; full of hope, doubt, fear, anger, love, and joy. But I am yours and we will make it through this dark night of my soul....together.
1 comments:
Wow. So many deeply intense thoughts and feelings in that blog. Brother, you are in my prayers. I pray for God to continue to touch you and to heal you and to minister to your spirit. I pray for Him to open the windows of Heaven and pour out His blessings on you right now, in the name of Jesus. I pray that He lets His healing rain flow down to saturate all the dry and thirsty spots in your soul. And after His rain falls and refreshes your soul, may the gentle breeze of His spirit blow lightly over you and dry your tears. May every moment you spend there in the Prayer Room bring healing to you. May He draw you so close to His heart that with every breath you feel His heartbeat. The low rumblings of His laughter as He delights in you, His child. He loves you so much. Whether you're on the cliff you mentioned looking out into that canyon, or on the mountaintop basking in His presence, or on your face in the valley crying out in sorrow and anger... He loves you. With a deep and everlasting love. Wherever you go. Whatever you do. His love follows you, pursues you, passionately and unreservedly. May you continue to boldly embrace Him and continue to surrender your life to His purposes and His will. My prayers are with you, my brother, during this time. I can't imagine the weariness of your heart, the pain that must still overtake you at times. I have no concept of your anguish. But rest assured that God knows. God knows and sees and comprehends and understands and really gets it. I know that doesn't help you get through it - nothing I say can help in that regard. But the attempt is made, regardless. So for those lonely moments when you're crying out to the Lord and asking why... when you're arguing with Him, yelling at Him for taking your beloved away from you, demanding that He give you reasons and answers... please know that while no one can really comfort you or "feel your pain", we can at least sit quietly with you and allow you your tears and your anger and your flailings. Your raging against God's plan. Know that you have friends who do care, though they can't comfort. Who do have the words to talk to God on your behalf, though they don't have the words to talk to you on His. I had intended in this comment to mention the phrases from your post that touched my heart, but I got a little sidetracked (obviously!). Your line about God allowing us to lie to ourselves in His name - wow. The line about the twinkies shelf life brought a bittersweet half smile. Together - what a word. What a concept! Together with other humans and together with our Creator. Isn't that what we're created for? To form those relationships with others and with Him? Isn't that one of the things that sets us apart from the lower animals? Our ability to have deep relationships - especially our relationship with Him since we're created in His likeness... Togetherness indeed. Thanks for the blog and for your candid remarks. Actually, candid's not exactly the word or phrase I'm looking for... maybe "your soul brutally laid bare" fits more? :) I look forward to continuing to read of your journey. Blessings to you!
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