The Lament (from IHOP-KC)

After I posted last night, I had an amazing yet sad encounter with the Lord, so I wanted to go ahead and post it. I'll probably post again later tonight, so today you get 2 for the price of 1. What a bargain...

During the 10pm meeting last night, Misty Edwards was leading worship & went into a time of spontaneous instrumental worship...just the guitar player picking a simple, haunting melody. What follows is what I wrote under the anointing as I fell apart & faced the deepest emotions of my heart:

A single tear rolls down my cheek and I'm afraid to speak.
What if I start crying and never stop?
"What was she like?" he asks.
I'm almost afraid to remember...what if I can't forget....
The way her breath belt against this same cheek now stained with her memory
What if I can't forget...the way she danced across the room while I sang?
Do I really want to forget? No.
What if I remember how much I miss her; how empty I feel when I walk into a room & she's not there?
What do I do with the realization that each time I walk into a room, I'm still searching the
crowd for her face, listening for her laugh...still waiting for her to sneak up behind me and
wrap her arms around my waste;
But she doesn't...and she won't.
Can I handle the truth...
That I still see her smile on other peoples faces; and her hair, that beautiful silver that she
earned in the furnace of prayer, and trials, and losss...I still see glimpses of her hair on other
woman, and for the smallest moment I expect them to trun around and to see her face.
The truth...
Thinking that somehow I've gotten stuck in the worst of nightmares, in someone elses life,
and any minute now I will wake up & she will be here with me.
Surely thats why I still think in terms of how she would like this place or that song...
How, if she were here right now, she would dry my tears, and say "Don't cry little Moshe"
But no one drys my eyes, and my shirt is soaked, and no one notices...or cares.
And the singers sing of His love and His plan and somehow, magically, thats supposed to make everything ok...and I am supposed to believe that somehow this was for good.
Who's good? Hers, certainly! The kingdom? Probably. Mine? I can't believe that yet.
So, what was she like?
Full of faith, love, and perseverance until her very last breath....
Oh, that she could lend me some right now.
Greg Sullivan
10/04/05


Shortly after I finished writing this & melting down, Misty did this intense warfare/intercession song...the chorus was something like "How far will you let me go, how abandonned will you let me be?"....So I yelled at God & showed Him what I had written (ha ha) and told Him that only He could change my heart...the song also said something about not looking back....that is my heart cry today...Lord I don't want to look back...don't want to live in yesterday...but Lord, only you can move me forward...into today...the present....and the Presence....