Everyone here is in the middle of a 3 day fast. Me? I must be fasting from fasting...Actually, I've fasted from some meals, but have yet to bring my appetite into subjection to the Spirit. I honestly try, but I get hungry & weak-feeling due to blood sugar issues, so I eat. Yesterday I beat myself up a little bit, but not today. Today I told the Lord "You know my heart...my desire is to draw closer to you, and I would like to do that through fasting." Well, maybe tomorrow...
Today was a hard. I've been engaged in a spiritual battle that I didn't particulary want to fight...driven by thoughts of just packing up & leaving...even some thoughts of ceasing to exist on this planet. No, I'm not suicidal! Don't go freaking out & calling some hotline that claims to have all the answers. Feel free to call on heaven on my behalf; that will more than suffice. :0)
I had the chance to share my story this evening with a young man named Nathan. He is new here too. He was challenged & inspired (his words) to follow harder after Jesus. He, like so many others, seemed to think that my "strong faith" was admirable. I had to explain once again...
No, I'm not that strong. I'm not some spriritual superman. I cry, I hurt, I wish....
I scream at God in my heart, while piously maintaining the proper "spiritual posture" for a charismatic. Is that what I am?? I hate labels....
I still believe in the gifts; all of them...especially healing!! How?? I can only suppose it's the grace to be stupid enough to believe that the Bible means what it says. Can my experience back that up? No.
So tonight I praise you Lord that my experiences don't change what is true. Thank You Father that you are still enthroned....
"...and when my mind is muddled by the way it seems to work
I start looking for just one connecting force,
Someone to assure me that we didn't lose the war today
and that the battle's General is still riding on His horse..."
Don Chaffer (Waterdeep) - "And"
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