Hey friends. Well my time here at IHOP-KC is almost up and I have a personal favor to ask. I've received some amazing testimonys of how the Lord has used this blog to touch, minister to, heal, and challenge people. Since the blog is a framework for a book on recovering from loss & grief and coming out more passionate about Jesus on the other side of the pain, I would like for you to email me any experiences or comments about what the blog has meant to you. If you would take time to do this, it would mean a lot to me.
Email me at: worshipmadly@gmail.com Put "Response to blog" in subject line
Several of you have asked if the blog will continue when I leave IHOP and the answer is a resounding YES! Since the work in my heart & my walk with the Lord will continue, so will the blog.
Thanks for your support & encouragements.
Greg
Unoffended
I look around me and I see. My physical eyes see...humanity, in all it's splendor and majesty... and in all it's sin and ugliness. But these days I am starting see with my spiritual eyes...just a little...still through a glass darkly...but more than ever before. One of the things that I am noticing are people offended...offended with God, offended with the church, offended with people...like me and you. Offended with our powerlessness and I understand why...they have needs...we have The Answer, but it's not impacting their lives. I declare today, that for me personally, this is no longer acceptable. It is not ok that I can't say with power "Silver and gold, I don't have, BUT what I do have I give to you with great, exceeding joy...GET UP!" It's not ok with me to watch people struggle for years on end with the shame of addiction. It's not ok that children starve, while I grow fatter...this is NOT ok with me anymore. It's not ok that cancer is a GIANT in our land, exalting itself above the knowledge of God. It's not ok knowing that others will watch their wives, or husbands, or children, or moms & dads stricken while I sit by powerless. It's not ok that I had to watch Denise die...
Now I want you to hear my heart here; what I am talking about is the spiritual aspects of this. I believe that God, in His grace, has revealed one the keys to moving in His power...it is being unoffended. I say with great delight that I'm not offended with my Jesus...I understand that His plan is far better than my plan. I accept that He is Sovereign and I, by His grace, stand before Him unoffended. I can praise Him with all of my being...for everything...yes, even losing my wife. He is kind and He is good. I tell you today that the shaking spoken of throughout Scripture has begun...He will SHAKE everything that can be shaken. I call you to throw yourself at His feet and ask Him to reveal to you any area of your life where you are offended with Him. I want to walk before Him in holiness in the days to come...unoffended. If offense with my brother can hinder my offerings to Him, how much more can offense with Him? I think the remedy is the same...we deal with the offense. I don't know what it may be in your life...I know I have friends who are offended on my behalf...some are offended with God for taking Denise...others are offended at the people in my life who prophesied that Denise wouldn't die...some have taken serious offense over these issues. I implore you: Please don't be offended on my behalf...I am unoffended. I implore you...do something about it. I challenge you to make a difference next time...don't let it be acceptable do be a Christian without the power of the Holy Spirit. In spite of my experience, I declare more than ever..."I will lay hands on the sick and they will recover." I'm looking over my shoulder, expectantly waiting to see the signs and wonders following me...it is our destiny...our heritage...for today...for NOW...for the unoffended!!
On a side note, I just wanted to thank all of you who are submitting comments. They encourage me beyond belief, so please continue...I even had the super-cool privelege of meeting a young lady tonight from Indiana who has been reading the blog. How cool is that? Her name is Mandy from Indiana & she's in KC for the "Transformation Summitt". She over-heard me sharing my testimony and introduced herself...the way that God is using this thing is starting to blow me away...Thank You Lord...You are amazing, Jesus. I love you Lord!!!
Now I want you to hear my heart here; what I am talking about is the spiritual aspects of this. I believe that God, in His grace, has revealed one the keys to moving in His power...it is being unoffended. I say with great delight that I'm not offended with my Jesus...I understand that His plan is far better than my plan. I accept that He is Sovereign and I, by His grace, stand before Him unoffended. I can praise Him with all of my being...for everything...yes, even losing my wife. He is kind and He is good. I tell you today that the shaking spoken of throughout Scripture has begun...He will SHAKE everything that can be shaken. I call you to throw yourself at His feet and ask Him to reveal to you any area of your life where you are offended with Him. I want to walk before Him in holiness in the days to come...unoffended. If offense with my brother can hinder my offerings to Him, how much more can offense with Him? I think the remedy is the same...we deal with the offense. I don't know what it may be in your life...I know I have friends who are offended on my behalf...some are offended with God for taking Denise...others are offended at the people in my life who prophesied that Denise wouldn't die...some have taken serious offense over these issues. I implore you: Please don't be offended on my behalf...I am unoffended. I implore you...do something about it. I challenge you to make a difference next time...don't let it be acceptable do be a Christian without the power of the Holy Spirit. In spite of my experience, I declare more than ever..."I will lay hands on the sick and they will recover." I'm looking over my shoulder, expectantly waiting to see the signs and wonders following me...it is our destiny...our heritage...for today...for NOW...for the unoffended!!
On a side note, I just wanted to thank all of you who are submitting comments. They encourage me beyond belief, so please continue...I even had the super-cool privelege of meeting a young lady tonight from Indiana who has been reading the blog. How cool is that? Her name is Mandy from Indiana & she's in KC for the "Transformation Summitt". She over-heard me sharing my testimony and introduced herself...the way that God is using this thing is starting to blow me away...Thank You Lord...You are amazing, Jesus. I love you Lord!!!
Too Sad To Sleep
"Too sad to sleep
Deep calls to deep As I lay &s stare at the wall
The well is dry
Too tired to try
As my walk is slowed to a crawl." Greg Sullivan
It is after 10pm and I can't sleep. I know this doesn't sound like it's very late, but I did the Nightwatch in the prayer room last night/early this morning. This means I was in the prayer room from around 10pm last night until 6am this morning. I've only had a few hours of restless sleep, so sleep should come easy...but it doesn't. It avoids me, like the hunted avoiding the hunter. When I laid down a while ago, I was filled with a sense of great sadness. I am alone...more alone than I've ever been. The activity of life swirls around me, but I am alone. I can hear the well-meaning voices now: "Now brother, you know the Lord is with you. He said he would never leave you or forsake you." Thanks for the words, empty and comfortless as they are. I do know that He is with me, but that is not what I'm talking about. Think about it this way: Even Jesus felt alone and totally abandoned. I'm not even necessarily saying it's a bad thing, just a sad thing. I miss Denise tonight. Nothing can change that; not being in a group, not throwing myself at His feet, not new friends, nor old confidant's. I simply miss my wife and that's not a bad thing. It is just a part of the grieving process. I believe the reason the Lord doesn't make it just go away is because He designed this grieving process.
I am coming to understand a concept that is a part of this process: I have decided to call it the "tyranny of the firsts". Here is how I find it working in my life: Everything that I do now is the first time I do it without Denise (at least the first time is the first time). There was the first time that I woke up a widower. The first time I had to buy groceries without her...even now this one makes me cry because we enjoyed going to the Wal-Mart Supercenter together. Simple, daily activities can be a source of pain. Driving down certain roads can also be difficult. Often when I drive down the Highway 27 Bypass, I get to "our road". I can't help but cry, remembering such a short time ago, when with stars in my eyes, I would turn here, knowing I was only 2 blocks from a loving wife, waiting to greet me at the door...only 2 blocks from...home. I have driven by our house a couple times and it was surprisingly easy. Why? Because she made it home. I remember when she went in the hospital in Rossville and I already had most of the house packed for moving to her Moms. A couple times I went to our house to rest, but it was no longer home. She wasn't there... and now I'm homeless, both literally and figuratively. Sure, I have a place to lay my head, but that's not home. Actually, the Lord has used this to allow me to see that we should all live as if we are homeless here. This place is not our home. We are just passing through at a high rate of speed. But while I sojourn, I suffer from the tyranny of the firsts. The things we did together seem to be harder than the things we wanted to do, but never had the chance. Going to a new city, like Kansas City, is a little hard, but not too bad. I may think for a moment, "Oh, Nece would really enjoy this", but then I remember...she could care less about Kansas City. The International House of Prayer? Ha! She is in the ultimate prayer gathering...praying for me and cheering me on...part of the great cloud of witnesses. But I still miss her and from time to time I get sad...like tonight.
He understands the emotions of great loss, because He personally experienced such heavy loss and grief. We tend to think that it was easier for him because he was the son of God. But remember, He was fully man when he experienced these feelings. The loneliness that I feel tonight is nothing in comparison. I wonder why we try so hard to avoid sadness? Sometimes I think that He wants us to experience sadness and sorrow because of His great sadness and sorrow. He longs for His bride...and we are too busy to notice. He sadly looks on us with eyes of compassion and mercy. Look closely and you will certainly see the glimmer of hope and the twinkle of promise in His eyes. He will have his bride and she will be spotless. My desire is to be so caught up in His gaze, that the twinkle in His eye is reflected in mine.
This has been one of the hardest, most painful posts to write and I'm not even sure why. Probably because I'm so tired, but soon enough I will lay down and sleep. It may be a sad sleep, but I will wake in the joy of a new day. Will I be sad tomorrow? I don't hold tomorrow, but if it comes, then I will face it, with a dim yet growing twinkle in my eyes.
The well is dry
Too tired to try
As my walk is slowed to a crawl." Greg Sullivan
It is after 10pm and I can't sleep. I know this doesn't sound like it's very late, but I did the Nightwatch in the prayer room last night/early this morning. This means I was in the prayer room from around 10pm last night until 6am this morning. I've only had a few hours of restless sleep, so sleep should come easy...but it doesn't. It avoids me, like the hunted avoiding the hunter. When I laid down a while ago, I was filled with a sense of great sadness. I am alone...more alone than I've ever been. The activity of life swirls around me, but I am alone. I can hear the well-meaning voices now: "Now brother, you know the Lord is with you. He said he would never leave you or forsake you." Thanks for the words, empty and comfortless as they are. I do know that He is with me, but that is not what I'm talking about. Think about it this way: Even Jesus felt alone and totally abandoned. I'm not even necessarily saying it's a bad thing, just a sad thing. I miss Denise tonight. Nothing can change that; not being in a group, not throwing myself at His feet, not new friends, nor old confidant's. I simply miss my wife and that's not a bad thing. It is just a part of the grieving process. I believe the reason the Lord doesn't make it just go away is because He designed this grieving process.
I am coming to understand a concept that is a part of this process: I have decided to call it the "tyranny of the firsts". Here is how I find it working in my life: Everything that I do now is the first time I do it without Denise (at least the first time is the first time). There was the first time that I woke up a widower. The first time I had to buy groceries without her...even now this one makes me cry because we enjoyed going to the Wal-Mart Supercenter together. Simple, daily activities can be a source of pain. Driving down certain roads can also be difficult. Often when I drive down the Highway 27 Bypass, I get to "our road". I can't help but cry, remembering such a short time ago, when with stars in my eyes, I would turn here, knowing I was only 2 blocks from a loving wife, waiting to greet me at the door...only 2 blocks from...home. I have driven by our house a couple times and it was surprisingly easy. Why? Because she made it home. I remember when she went in the hospital in Rossville and I already had most of the house packed for moving to her Moms. A couple times I went to our house to rest, but it was no longer home. She wasn't there... and now I'm homeless, both literally and figuratively. Sure, I have a place to lay my head, but that's not home. Actually, the Lord has used this to allow me to see that we should all live as if we are homeless here. This place is not our home. We are just passing through at a high rate of speed. But while I sojourn, I suffer from the tyranny of the firsts. The things we did together seem to be harder than the things we wanted to do, but never had the chance. Going to a new city, like Kansas City, is a little hard, but not too bad. I may think for a moment, "Oh, Nece would really enjoy this", but then I remember...she could care less about Kansas City. The International House of Prayer? Ha! She is in the ultimate prayer gathering...praying for me and cheering me on...part of the great cloud of witnesses. But I still miss her and from time to time I get sad...like tonight.
He understands the emotions of great loss, because He personally experienced such heavy loss and grief. We tend to think that it was easier for him because he was the son of God. But remember, He was fully man when he experienced these feelings. The loneliness that I feel tonight is nothing in comparison. I wonder why we try so hard to avoid sadness? Sometimes I think that He wants us to experience sadness and sorrow because of His great sadness and sorrow. He longs for His bride...and we are too busy to notice. He sadly looks on us with eyes of compassion and mercy. Look closely and you will certainly see the glimmer of hope and the twinkle of promise in His eyes. He will have his bride and she will be spotless. My desire is to be so caught up in His gaze, that the twinkle in His eye is reflected in mine.
This has been one of the hardest, most painful posts to write and I'm not even sure why. Probably because I'm so tired, but soon enough I will lay down and sleep. It may be a sad sleep, but I will wake in the joy of a new day. Will I be sad tomorrow? I don't hold tomorrow, but if it comes, then I will face it, with a dim yet growing twinkle in my eyes.
When Colors Invade the Gray.
Have you ever had a day where everything seems more alive and colorful? A day when it seems that creation itself is swirling with the DNA of the Creator, breathing in His breath and exhaling His glory. Today is one of those days. If you are painting mental images of a sunny day with blue skies and a crisp autumn breeze blowing through the trees, let me stop you right there. In the natural, it is a miserable day. It is cold, damp, dreary, and raining. I've been running all over the area trying to find a laundromat, without success. I'm tired and my bones ache from the dampness, berating me for getting out on such a nasty day. So why do I write of the day being alive and significant? Because the gray has been invaded by color. The leaves here seem more colorful than any I've ever seen. Could it be that they are a harbinger of the harsh winter that lies in wait just around the corner? Is that why they shine so brightly? Maybe it's just my imagination...or maybe it's the gray.
Since June my life has been full of shades of gray; the unknown, the unanswered questions, the sting of loss. Different friends have different explanations. When talking about all the people who "prophesied" that Denise would live, some declare "Sovereignty...everyone missed God". Others imply (but deny that they are implying) "Not enough faith". The wisest say nothing at all. Me? I say "Gray". It's a mystery, a gray area, that I have no explanation for...and I'm ok with that. Still, the shades of gray in life get old. I was pondering this today when I began to notice how colorful the leaves are. Not just the normal "Oh it's autumn, the leaves are changing" colors, but vivid, bright, exciting, breathtaking colors. Why do they look so different I asked myself? Because they are being displayed against a backdrop of gray. If the sun had been shining, they would have been pretty, but secondary to it's splendor. But on a day like today, they are the splendor. They remind us of His goodness and majesty, even when it's gray. No, especially when it's gray.
The same is true in the spiritual. In the darkest of days, we have the privilege of shining and reflecting His glory. In the dark days that are coming, His people, His bride will shine with color like never before. The world will look on us with awe and wonder as we declare His majesty through our lives. Isn't that amazing. He uses the gray to make colors more vibrant. Many years ago, before I met Denise, a friend and I wrote and recorded some songs. I gave Denise a copy of the tape when we first met and her favorite surprised me; it was a song called "November in the Spring". It was a bit depressing to me, but she loved it. I found the tape a few months before she died, and she reminded me again which one was her favorite. I've been thinking about that a lot today, wishing I could remember all the words. The part I do remember is this:
"...And if you feed me death, I'll gladly take a bite And when the darkness comes, Lord you will be my light And I will sing, though it's November in the spring..."
When I wrote those words, I was clueless how close to home they would hit. So much has changed since writing those words. I can't remember what I was going through that made me think I was ready to go home. Whatever it was seems so trite and irrelevant now. Now is when I should feel that way, but I don't. Far from it! I raise my glass in a toast to life in His honor and service, and I thank Him for each day, even the gray days. I will live my life and run the race that is set before me. I will not look to the left or right. I will not be distracted by the gray days. He has healed and sealed my heart, teaching me to love and trust Him in the face of adversity. He is calling me to worship Him with abandonment during the most difficult, painful times.
Jesus, I hear your call and I say "YES" with all that I am. Yes, I will trust you! Yes, I will serve you!! Yes, I will praise you when it is truly a sacrifice to do so! Yes, I love you! Yes, I believe that you are Good and your mercy endures forever! Yes, Lord...a thousand times YES!
Learning To...
I'm not sure where to start this post. I have so many thoughts in my brain and so many emotions in my heart that I feel like I could explode. I'm almost sure that if I exploded right now, the walls wouldn't be covered with blood & guts, but rather with bright colors and flowers and smiles and rainbows. Yes, that's it...rainbows. The thought of a rainbow makes me smile, swelling with hope. I have a deep, new appreciation for this sacred symbol of covenant. It has been perverted and misused by many, but it remains a symbol of covenant...a token of God's promise for a new, brighter tomorrow. In the days of the flood there was destruction and death. The waters rose and everything was changed. The landscape of the earth and all it's inhabitants suffered under the wrath of God. Nothing was left untouched or unchanged. But then came the blessed day...the day of the rainbow, the day of the dove. In the ark, they saw hope for a new tomorrow; a tomorrow where the flood waters have receded and where new life will flourish. It is true that, after the flood, there are canyons carved into places that were formerly untouched, mountains leveled into flatlands, oceans where there had been solid land. The place that was called home just 40 short days ago is gone. Life as they knew it was no more, but they had covenant. They had a rainbow.
I can relate to that today. The flood waters have risen in my life. In over my head, I was in danger of drowning. The deepest parts of me have suffered under the kindness and mercy of the Lord. There are canyons carved deeply into my heart...mountains leveled in my mind. The landscape of my soul has been destroyed and rebuilt; no part of me has been untouched or unchanged. But the Grand Canyon carved into the fabric of my being holds more beauty in the eye of my King than the one in Arizona. He made me, and like clay in the hand of the potter, he destroyed his creation, in order to make it more beautiful. He looks on the oceans of my heart and he see's me teeming with life and He says....it is good. How do I know? Because I have a rainbow...the dove has landed in my heart, carrying an olive branch of peace...and I'm learning to:
Trust again. I am learning that I can and will love again. I don't have to fear anything. I will walk in the plans of God. I will follow hard after Him. I will experience joy and pain again, but I will not fear. I will marry again without fear of losing another wife. How you may ask? Because he has prove Himself faithful; He has brought me through the flood of loss and landed me on dry ground. There is nothing that He can't carry me through. I am his and He is mine. I am learning to trust again...to feel again...to love again...to laugh again...to be me again. Not "Greg the widower" or "Greg the mourner" or "Greg the sad"; I am Greg...a much loved, cherished child of the one and only Living God. I am a warrior, a friend, a son, a singer, a lover of God, a healer, a weak man with a strong God; a paradox of quirks. The dove has landed and I'm learning to:
Fly again. As I move into deeper relationships and friendships, I can do it with new-found courage. The Lord holds my heart in His hand. He has healed me and has given me a new friend. She encourages me with her prayers for me, challenges me to walk in higher levels of holiness and purity. She reminds me that He loves me. She listens to my stories of Denise and often comments that she wishes she could have met Nece. She prays for me and fights for me when I don't feel like fighting. She is....what should I say. I had written a huge paragraph here and then deleted it because I found myself being defensive, feeling like I had to justify myself and our developing friendship. You know what, I don't. She is a wonderful gift from God during this most difficult time in my life. In time, God will reveal what he intends for us. For now, I will enjoy her friendship and thank the Lord for His kindness. The dove has landed and I'm learning to:
Live again. I'm thankful for every breath. For every time I hear the voice of my mother-in-law or my mom or my sister or my friends, I give praise to Jesus. Each time I take a sip of good coffee, I breathe a sigh of thanks. Each time I see the majesty of God in His creation, I want to scream (and sometimes I do!) "Hallelujah!! I'm alive for such a time as this. Every bit of pain is worth it, Lord, because you have created me and you are using each experience, each and every tear that you collect from my eyes, each time I groan because I don't have words, each time I smile...all of it Lord...you designed it for my good. You created me from before the foundations of the earth to go through this experience and to come out of it walking in your power and glory, taking healing to your children. Hallelujah! Thank you Lord for choosing me to endure this; for entrusting this to me. Bless you Jesus. You are Worthy!!! I trust You Lord! "
The dove has landed and I'm learning to....be an admirer of rainbows.
I can relate to that today. The flood waters have risen in my life. In over my head, I was in danger of drowning. The deepest parts of me have suffered under the kindness and mercy of the Lord. There are canyons carved deeply into my heart...mountains leveled in my mind. The landscape of my soul has been destroyed and rebuilt; no part of me has been untouched or unchanged. But the Grand Canyon carved into the fabric of my being holds more beauty in the eye of my King than the one in Arizona. He made me, and like clay in the hand of the potter, he destroyed his creation, in order to make it more beautiful. He looks on the oceans of my heart and he see's me teeming with life and He says....it is good. How do I know? Because I have a rainbow...the dove has landed in my heart, carrying an olive branch of peace...and I'm learning to:
Trust again. I am learning that I can and will love again. I don't have to fear anything. I will walk in the plans of God. I will follow hard after Him. I will experience joy and pain again, but I will not fear. I will marry again without fear of losing another wife. How you may ask? Because he has prove Himself faithful; He has brought me through the flood of loss and landed me on dry ground. There is nothing that He can't carry me through. I am his and He is mine. I am learning to trust again...to feel again...to love again...to laugh again...to be me again. Not "Greg the widower" or "Greg the mourner" or "Greg the sad"; I am Greg...a much loved, cherished child of the one and only Living God. I am a warrior, a friend, a son, a singer, a lover of God, a healer, a weak man with a strong God; a paradox of quirks. The dove has landed and I'm learning to:
Fly again. As I move into deeper relationships and friendships, I can do it with new-found courage. The Lord holds my heart in His hand. He has healed me and has given me a new friend. She encourages me with her prayers for me, challenges me to walk in higher levels of holiness and purity. She reminds me that He loves me. She listens to my stories of Denise and often comments that she wishes she could have met Nece. She prays for me and fights for me when I don't feel like fighting. She is....what should I say. I had written a huge paragraph here and then deleted it because I found myself being defensive, feeling like I had to justify myself and our developing friendship. You know what, I don't. She is a wonderful gift from God during this most difficult time in my life. In time, God will reveal what he intends for us. For now, I will enjoy her friendship and thank the Lord for His kindness. The dove has landed and I'm learning to:
Live again. I'm thankful for every breath. For every time I hear the voice of my mother-in-law or my mom or my sister or my friends, I give praise to Jesus. Each time I take a sip of good coffee, I breathe a sigh of thanks. Each time I see the majesty of God in His creation, I want to scream (and sometimes I do!) "Hallelujah!! I'm alive for such a time as this. Every bit of pain is worth it, Lord, because you have created me and you are using each experience, each and every tear that you collect from my eyes, each time I groan because I don't have words, each time I smile...all of it Lord...you designed it for my good. You created me from before the foundations of the earth to go through this experience and to come out of it walking in your power and glory, taking healing to your children. Hallelujah! Thank you Lord for choosing me to endure this; for entrusting this to me. Bless you Jesus. You are Worthy!!! I trust You Lord! "
The dove has landed and I'm learning to....be an admirer of rainbows.
Never Left Alone
Have you ever wanted to be left alone? By your friends, by the daily pressures of life, by your boss, by your kids, or by your spouse? Have you ever wanted to be left alone? Have you ever fallen for the delusion that maybe if you leave the enemy alone, maybe he will leave you alone? Have you ever wanted to be left alone.......by God? Don Chaffer is an amazing singer/songwriter, who used to have a band called "Waterdeep"; in my humble opinion he is one of the best, brutally honest songwriters alive. Why? Because he tells it like it is...which often challenges my comfort zones. After his Mom from a battle with cancer, he recorded a song that I totally related to right after Denise died. It's called "Leave Me Alone". One of favorite lines from it follows:
"...So leave me alone, not because I'm angry I just need to hear myself breathe and be alive and wonder why she's gone..."
Isn't that stunning? I have been reminded of all this, because the Lord reminded me of a "word" I got 6+ years ago while at the MorningStar School of Ministry. We were in an intimate time of worship, and I heard the Lord whisper a question to my heart. He said "Greg, how much do you want me?" I said "More than anything, Lord." "More than money or fame?" He asked. "Yes, Lord...more than money or fame." "More than your wife or family?" Again I replied yes. Then He asked me a question that I knew was very serious & very deep. "Do you want me more than you want to be left alone?" I was speechless. I knew that I was at a serious decision, but I had no idea how far-reaching the consequences of my answer would be. I must admit that I couldn't give a quick answer. All of the moments in my life when God pursued me against my will, all the moments of His discipline, all the moments of His conviction and calls for obedience...they all flooded over me. My fear of the enemy also came to mind. I knew that there were moments when I wanted to be left alone by God and by the enemy...just leave me to my own devices...let me have a "normal" Christian life, where I can wink at sin & not really count the cost. A life of working a good job, trusting the medical community for healing, paying my tithe and going to church on Sunday (while looking at porn during the week), not getting too serious about the Jesus thing lest my family & friends laugh at me, listening to "christian" radio most of the time...a "normal" life. A life where my wife doesn't die...where my God requires nothing of me... a "normal" life. I thought about the question hard. "Yes Lord, I want you more than I want to be left alone." It was almost as if I could here Him chuckle & say..."We'll see."
So here I am with anything but a normal life. I have been and am being bent, but not broken; persecuted but not abandoned; pressed down but not destroyed. I have endured much and will endure much more. Now, more than ever, I can say I don't want the status quo...all those pleasures of the flesh and thoughts of a selfish, self-centered, life of consumerism have no grip on me. Oh sure, they try, but...it's Him I want. It's always been & will always be all about Him! It's not about me losing my wife & best friend; it's about Him using me and my loss for His glory. Now more than ever I must have Him! Now, more than ever, I can shout......................
"I want You more than anything....More than I want to be left alone!!!!"
Don't love money. Be happy with what you have because God has said "I will never abandon you or leave you." - Hebrews 13:5
"...So leave me alone, not because I'm angry I just need to hear myself breathe and be alive and wonder why she's gone..."
Isn't that stunning? I have been reminded of all this, because the Lord reminded me of a "word" I got 6+ years ago while at the MorningStar School of Ministry. We were in an intimate time of worship, and I heard the Lord whisper a question to my heart. He said "Greg, how much do you want me?" I said "More than anything, Lord." "More than money or fame?" He asked. "Yes, Lord...more than money or fame." "More than your wife or family?" Again I replied yes. Then He asked me a question that I knew was very serious & very deep. "Do you want me more than you want to be left alone?" I was speechless. I knew that I was at a serious decision, but I had no idea how far-reaching the consequences of my answer would be. I must admit that I couldn't give a quick answer. All of the moments in my life when God pursued me against my will, all the moments of His discipline, all the moments of His conviction and calls for obedience...they all flooded over me. My fear of the enemy also came to mind. I knew that there were moments when I wanted to be left alone by God and by the enemy...just leave me to my own devices...let me have a "normal" Christian life, where I can wink at sin & not really count the cost. A life of working a good job, trusting the medical community for healing, paying my tithe and going to church on Sunday (while looking at porn during the week), not getting too serious about the Jesus thing lest my family & friends laugh at me, listening to "christian" radio most of the time...a "normal" life. A life where my wife doesn't die...where my God requires nothing of me... a "normal" life. I thought about the question hard. "Yes Lord, I want you more than I want to be left alone." It was almost as if I could here Him chuckle & say..."We'll see."
So here I am with anything but a normal life. I have been and am being bent, but not broken; persecuted but not abandoned; pressed down but not destroyed. I have endured much and will endure much more. Now, more than ever, I can say I don't want the status quo...all those pleasures of the flesh and thoughts of a selfish, self-centered, life of consumerism have no grip on me. Oh sure, they try, but...it's Him I want. It's always been & will always be all about Him! It's not about me losing my wife & best friend; it's about Him using me and my loss for His glory. Now more than ever I must have Him! Now, more than ever, I can shout......................
"I want You more than anything....More than I want to be left alone!!!!"
Don't love money. Be happy with what you have because God has said "I will never abandon you or leave you." - Hebrews 13:5
OneThing Leadership Summit
This won't be my typical, rambling-through-my-heart-mind-and-soul post. (OK, that sounds pretty rambling :0) God is soooo kind! On Thursday afternoon I was invited to participate in a 3 day OneThing Leadership Summit here at IHOP-KC. This was really out-of-the-blue. (Have you noticed that I really seem to like using the "-" thing tonight?) The invitation was from the head guy, who also took care of my registration fee, which I wouldn't have been able to afford. This was a really a powerful time. There were around 150 of us, and we were challenged to go more passionately after the heart of God, in order to lead others there. One of the teachers stated "You can only lead someone as far as you have gone." I stand convicted. After spending years in ministry of one type or another and studying the Word (less-than-diligently...there goes the "-" thing again) I have come to realize that I do not KNOW the Word at the depth that I MUST for the coming days. So many people have prophesied over the past few months about how God has plans for me...they speak of these huge plans, and honestly, I am willing to do that, but I've been sobered into a place of having no desire for huge, grandiose, superstar ministry stuff. I want God...His heart beating inside of me; His passion burning through me. The rest of it is vanity & delusion. I say all that because if any ounce of truth is in their words, I've realized I am not equipped at the level that I need to 
be. I do not KNOW the Word like I must. I am even considering applying for the Bible School here...time will tell.
The other super cool part of this Summit was the divine connections I made. I met & spent time with folks from Fairbanks, AK, Portland, OR, Indiana, New York City, and Rochester, NY. There seemed to be a unique, strong connection with the group of 6 from Rochester. It seems like we have known each other for a long time, so it will be neat to see what God has in all of that. I certainly feel that I will visit New York in the next few months...Yippeeee God!!!!! I LOVE SNOW!!!!!! I've included a photo of the Rochester group.
They flew back this evening, so Lord I ask that as they return to their "normal" lives that NOTHING would be normal...Lord visit them & consume them with a passion for you that the deepest places of their hearts is groaning for. Thank you Lord Jesus....
be. I do not KNOW the Word like I must. I am even considering applying for the Bible School here...time will tell.The other super cool part of this Summit was the divine connections I made. I met & spent time with folks from Fairbanks, AK, Portland, OR, Indiana, New York City, and Rochester, NY. There seemed to be a unique, strong connection with the group of 6 from Rochester. It seems like we have known each other for a long time, so it will be neat to see what God has in all of that. I certainly feel that I will visit New York in the next few months...Yippeeee God!!!!! I LOVE SNOW!!!!!! I've included a photo of the Rochester group.
They flew back this evening, so Lord I ask that as they return to their "normal" lives that NOTHING would be normal...Lord visit them & consume them with a passion for you that the deepest places of their hearts is groaning for. Thank you Lord Jesus....
The Flower
Today, just now, I watched a flower die. It's grasp to it's stem, it's root system, was already weakened because of the season...of dying. A slight breeze came, just a little gust, and the flower could cling to life no longer. Disconnected, the dazzling purple petals fluttered silently and sadly to the concrete. It's destiny is now sealed. It will be ignored; unnoticed & unseen, it will probably be stepped on by some passerby, and that will be that, all because it is disconnected from its roots. Here's the amazing thing; the plant doesn't die, just it's beauty. It will rebloom...in it's season. It will again shine its color and scream to its Creator: "You made me bloom again! See my beautiful pink and purple blooms, Lord? You did that! You created me to be beautiful for yourself! I was doubting it when the icy winds of winter tore at my tender branches, but you did it Lord. You brought me through that season of temporary barreness & now here I am again! It's Spring again Lord and here I am, blooming for your pleasure."
Isn't that an incredible picture of me...of us? Winter comes to our lives, bringing the cruel, cold winds of darkness...and barreness...and death. Our beauty fades, blown by the winds. We fall onto the concrete of life; ignored, unnoticed, and unwanted, we will probably be stepped on. But...He notices. He sees the sparrow fall, the flowers fall, and...me fall. But I declare with complete confidence: Spring is coming!!!! I will bloom again! I will show forth my petals of beauty & scream with all my being: "Here I am Lord...blooming in beauty for You!"
"...Because You speak in ways that I can't explain
You call us by names that we cannot repeat
You craft the cold to counter that which we desire
But which You know will burn us with its heat..."
Don Chaffer ("Gloom Higherway")
The Change
I've delayed writing this post for various reasons. Actually, I've written 2 posts in my notebook, but neither of those are what I'm supposed to write because of...the Change. Last night at the Friday night service I had yet another dramatic encounter with the Lord. He marked me...sealed my heart for Himself. He has pursued me with jealousy; last night He caught me & the posts I've written over the past 2 days now seem insignificant. My encounter with Him last night was pretty much free of emotion...no tears or deep feelings. Those of you who know me personally understand that having an "experience" without emotion is unusual for me. Again...the Change. I call it a change because I'm a different man today than yesterday. I went into the meeting Greg Sullivan: wounded, weary, whining, wasting away on the inside, while growing fat and lazy on the outside; widowed. I was telling my story as if it was my own; as if it were about me. It's not...it's about Him.
The Change...I left the meeting being called by a name that only He knows. I left the building...changed....marked by fire...filled with a violent resolve to abide in the arms of the one who loves me...a warrior with the heart of God. I left the building married to Him...wedded again.
The Change. I tried describing it to a close friend on the phone right after the meeting, but words failed me. The closest I could come is that He has created a fierceness in the deepest part of who I am. He is in love with me & He was kind enough to take my wife from me and give me Himself in exchange. I know that sounds peculiar, but it's true. Not a punishment; He desired her & in fulfilling His desire to have her, He stirred a desire in me for Him. I believe Nece had way more understanding about desirin the Lord than I could have imagined. Also, of Him desiring her. Let me tell you a story:
When we were about to marry, I became very saddened at choices I had made in the past. Denise was born again at 13 yrs old & served the Lord all her days, never dating or straying from the path of holiness. She had never been intimate with any man...and then there was me.
I had been a whore for many years, sleeping with more people than I can remember; being a rock star and drug addict. So as our wedding day approached, I grew sad. No one had ever explained to me as a youth why we don't have sex before marriage. Worse, I'd never heard a message in church about not giving my heart away. I was deeply saddened. I told her one day about my struggles; how I wished I could give her the gift she was giving me...all of my body and all of my heart. Her response shocked me; it changed me. She said that she wouldn't want that because it was all of these experiences that God had used to mold me into the man that she had fallen in love with. WOW....
Now I understand...this very experience is part of my destiny. I was born to go through this and to endure...to persevere. God has entrusted me to endure & has captured my heart in the process....
I'm in love with Him and I'm being Changed by His presence....more of this post later.
The Change...I left the meeting being called by a name that only He knows. I left the building...changed....marked by fire...filled with a violent resolve to abide in the arms of the one who loves me...a warrior with the heart of God. I left the building married to Him...wedded again.
The Change. I tried describing it to a close friend on the phone right after the meeting, but words failed me. The closest I could come is that He has created a fierceness in the deepest part of who I am. He is in love with me & He was kind enough to take my wife from me and give me Himself in exchange. I know that sounds peculiar, but it's true. Not a punishment; He desired her & in fulfilling His desire to have her, He stirred a desire in me for Him. I believe Nece had way more understanding about desirin the Lord than I could have imagined. Also, of Him desiring her. Let me tell you a story:
When we were about to marry, I became very saddened at choices I had made in the past. Denise was born again at 13 yrs old & served the Lord all her days, never dating or straying from the path of holiness. She had never been intimate with any man...and then there was me.
I had been a whore for many years, sleeping with more people than I can remember; being a rock star and drug addict. So as our wedding day approached, I grew sad. No one had ever explained to me as a youth why we don't have sex before marriage. Worse, I'd never heard a message in church about not giving my heart away. I was deeply saddened. I told her one day about my struggles; how I wished I could give her the gift she was giving me...all of my body and all of my heart. Her response shocked me; it changed me. She said that she wouldn't want that because it was all of these experiences that God had used to mold me into the man that she had fallen in love with. WOW....
Now I understand...this very experience is part of my destiny. I was born to go through this and to endure...to persevere. God has entrusted me to endure & has captured my heart in the process....
I'm in love with Him and I'm being Changed by His presence....more of this post later.
The Day of Atonement
Yesterday was Yom Kippur or the Day of Atonement. This is the mostly holy day to the Jewish people. In the Old Testament, this way a serious day of fasting, seeking atonement for sin & God's blessing for the NewYear. I decided to spend an extended time in the prayer during this solemn occasion...18+ hours straight. I planned on spending 24 hours, but the Lord had other plans...more about that in a few days.
My time in the prayer room was a battle...powerful stuff, but it didn't come easy. Distractions, hunger, etc. The Lord seemed to do such a deep work that I don't even know exactly what it was. I do know that I was touched in the deep places of my heart, greatly increasing my capacity for Him.
I know this is a brief update, but there is too much going on...it's 7:30am & I'm in the prayer room for intercession which has turned into warfare...
More later today or tonight.
My time in the prayer room was a battle...powerful stuff, but it didn't come easy. Distractions, hunger, etc. The Lord seemed to do such a deep work that I don't even know exactly what it was. I do know that I was touched in the deep places of my heart, greatly increasing my capacity for Him.
I know this is a brief update, but there is too much going on...it's 7:30am & I'm in the prayer room for intercession which has turned into warfare...
More later today or tonight.
A Sacred Trust
Isn't it strange how a single moment can change your life? We've all experienced it at some level or another. Maybe you were just walking down the street and caught a glimpse of the person that would soon become your spouse. Perhaps you made the mistake of having a few drinks or smoking some dope, and then climbed behind the wheel. Everything was cool...until the Moment; the blue lights or, even worse, the crash. A single moment of lawlessness has changed your life & if you hurt someone else, the lives of many people. A Moment...a single moment. For some it was a moment of loneliness or vulnerability and you gave into temptation and gave away your body. You deluded yourself and thought the moment had no consequence. But when the pregnancy test read "++", a single Moment changed your life. Maybe, like me, you watched your wife (or husband) take their last breath. A single Moment with an unfathomable impact. Life is full of these Moments. They can be moments of joy, sadness, anger, passion, stupidity, or countless other things. They have one thing in common: the shape our lives.
So, what do these moments have to do with the Sacred Trust mentioned in the title? Allow me to explain; I had one of these moments today. I was driving around the outskirts of Kansas City, hoping to find a small, local deli with good food...anything but fast food again. (I found one, by the way) I wasn't keenly aware of the Lord or the Holy Spirit. I wasn't praying or seeking the Lord or any of that "spiritual" stuff; just driving along minding my own business, not really thinking at all. Gradually I became aware that the Lord was speaking to my heart. (Let me explain this briefly for those of you unfamiliar with the concept of "hearing from the Lord". I didn't heat the audible voice of the Lord; no thundering, lightning, or "spooky-spiritual" stuff. In fact, no overwhelming voice, just the still, small voice of the Lord in my heart; an impression or nudge frm the Holy Spirit. When this happens, I've learned to quiet my mind & heart, and just listen to what the Lord is saying.)
This is what I heard..."Greg, I've trusted you with this sacred experience. I've trusted you to go through this sorrow, and to use it to bring glory to me and healing to my hurting children." I was floored. This whole time I've been considering it as a bad thing. Maybe it was punishment for some real or imagined sin; maybe I didn't pray enough, or fast enough, or...on & on. I know that these aren't true, but deeply rooted nonetheless. It has beeen somewhat easier since the Lord did a major work in my heart at the "OneThing" conference in Atlanta a couple months ago, where He told me that Denise had "attained death." But still...I've been counting it as all bad. Then today I had a one of those moments, a life changing Moment. In that single moment, I gained some divine perspective and I was honored and humbled by the Lord. My painful loss, from heavens perspective, was a moment of sacred trust.
Lord, give me the grace to fulfill the task you have entrusted to me. Lord, I can't do anything in my flesh. Jesus, if I try to do it or touch it, I'll screw it up. Lord, thank you for trusting me with this mission; Lord, for trusting me to bring your light, love, hope, and healing to your hurting children. Lord, most importantly, I declare and reaffirm my trust...my Sacred Trust for you.
So, what do these moments have to do with the Sacred Trust mentioned in the title? Allow me to explain; I had one of these moments today. I was driving around the outskirts of Kansas City, hoping to find a small, local deli with good food...anything but fast food again. (I found one, by the way) I wasn't keenly aware of the Lord or the Holy Spirit. I wasn't praying or seeking the Lord or any of that "spiritual" stuff; just driving along minding my own business, not really thinking at all. Gradually I became aware that the Lord was speaking to my heart. (Let me explain this briefly for those of you unfamiliar with the concept of "hearing from the Lord". I didn't heat the audible voice of the Lord; no thundering, lightning, or "spooky-spiritual" stuff. In fact, no overwhelming voice, just the still, small voice of the Lord in my heart; an impression or nudge frm the Holy Spirit. When this happens, I've learned to quiet my mind & heart, and just listen to what the Lord is saying.)
This is what I heard..."Greg, I've trusted you with this sacred experience. I've trusted you to go through this sorrow, and to use it to bring glory to me and healing to my hurting children." I was floored. This whole time I've been considering it as a bad thing. Maybe it was punishment for some real or imagined sin; maybe I didn't pray enough, or fast enough, or...on & on. I know that these aren't true, but deeply rooted nonetheless. It has beeen somewhat easier since the Lord did a major work in my heart at the "OneThing" conference in Atlanta a couple months ago, where He told me that Denise had "attained death." But still...I've been counting it as all bad. Then today I had a one of those moments, a life changing Moment. In that single moment, I gained some divine perspective and I was honored and humbled by the Lord. My painful loss, from heavens perspective, was a moment of sacred trust.
Lord, give me the grace to fulfill the task you have entrusted to me. Lord, I can't do anything in my flesh. Jesus, if I try to do it or touch it, I'll screw it up. Lord, thank you for trusting me with this mission; Lord, for trusting me to bring your light, love, hope, and healing to your hurting children. Lord, most importantly, I declare and reaffirm my trust...my Sacred Trust for you.
The Dance (from IHOP-KC)
In the prayer room at IHOP-KC, His presence is so strong. He met me again tonight, comforting me and calling me deeper. He touched my heart deeply, as a small girl, perhaps 8 yrs young, and a African-American man danced before His throne in worship. They weren't dancing together, but both were dancing with Him. The man worshipped with abandonment and more grace than a professional dancer. If I had to guess, He has been trained as a dancer. Watching men dance like that almost always makes me cry. I want to dance that way, without clumsiness or self-consciousness. It's strange: I can worship madly, with almost complete abandonment, except in dance. I admired the complexity & beauty of his movements, imaging how beautiful they must to God. Then she came to the front, this small, young maiden. She had no agenda other to worship Him. No attention seeking, no looking to see if anyone was watching her. She moved as freely as the wind & flowed with the music like water. I don't mean she jerked around the way that most children do when they dance; no, she worshipped Him in dance, expressing more adoration for Him than most adults that I know, including me. She would spin, lifting her hands in sacrifice to her Creator, and then bow in reverence, and then again into another series of movements designed to bring Him glory. It became even more powerful & poignant when Misty Edwards began to sing of Jesus singing over us:
"I played the flute for you, did you dance? I sang the wedding song for you, were you romanced? I played the funeral dirge, did you lament? I told you my judgments were coming, did you repent? For even children know when to dance And even children know when to lament.." - Misty Edwards
Yes, children know when to dance, as was made evident tonight. As she danced, I wept.
I wept with joy, knowing that some are raising their children to be pure, lovesick, worshippers.
I wept with sorrow at the memory of Nece dancing & waving to me as I sang & worshipped.
I wept with longing for a daughter of my own, a dancing maiden to bring a smile to Abba.
I wept with hope...knowing one day I will dance....and dance....and dance.....and dance.......
......................and weep no more!
"I played the flute for you, did you dance? I sang the wedding song for you, were you romanced? I played the funeral dirge, did you lament? I told you my judgments were coming, did you repent? For even children know when to dance And even children know when to lament.." - Misty Edwards
Yes, children know when to dance, as was made evident tonight. As she danced, I wept.
I wept with joy, knowing that some are raising their children to be pure, lovesick, worshippers.
I wept with sorrow at the memory of Nece dancing & waving to me as I sang & worshipped.
I wept with longing for a daughter of my own, a dancing maiden to bring a smile to Abba.
I wept with hope...knowing one day I will dance....and dance....and dance.....and dance.......
......................and weep no more!
Replacement Lovers (Distractions)
Distractions, distractions
The coming attractions
Sinking their teeth into me...
Greg S.
All around me they dance...replacement lovers for the wife I lost. They lift their skirts and bid me come. Replacement lovers, full of enticing promises. They promise to make me forget; forget my Nece and her final gasps for air & life, to forget her beautiful eyes now blinded, like Samson's, at the end of her valiant fight. "Come taste our lips" they taunt, "and forget how hers were cracked & dry". Even as they promise me forgetfulness, they mock me with the very pictures they claim they will erase. No, I'll never forget...
I know that their promises are empty & their beauty is fleeting...But I'm a whore, so I chase them anyway. Pleasures of the world like medication, food, music, entertainment, friends, family; anything or anyone that will take away this pain & loneliness for a moment. " Distract me", I beg, "from this bitterness of the grave that has taken away my best friend, my companion, my wife: half of who I am, or who I was to be more accurate. They tempt me with the hope of a brighter tomorrow, these replacement lovers. I allow myself to be distracted by everyone and everything except the One who can touch me deeply enough to make a difference. And I become aware...
I've done the same thing to Him. He has been betrayed. His Bride has heard the same call; the sirens song of the replacement lovers. True, these often look more acceptable. They paint their adulterous eyes with religious makeup & they call: "Come dance with me in the stock market, or workplace, or in the church building." They distract us with the busy pace of life: family, job, school, even ministry. The goal is simply to have us so busy that we are never intimate with Him. He, who created us for love, stands longing for His adulterous Bride to forsake her replacement lovers and return to Him...He is waiting...for me. I must confess Lord, waiting & watching one hour with You is hard. Even here in the IHOP prayer room I must still my mind or it will draw me a mental map, giving me directions on finding my replacement lovers.
I had a lover, but her Eternal Lover whispered her name. He turned His eyes upon her & she caught a glimpse of His gaze...she saw His burning desire for her, and at 3:10am on June 1st, 2005 she could resist Him no longer. All of her replacement lovers, including me, lost all their appeal. Cancer didn't take her, it was simply her cause of death. She was lovesick and when she heard that whisper, that invitation from her Bridegroom that she had waited so anxiously and so long to hear, so couldn't resist. She lifted her frail head & smiled her beautiful smile...and stepped from my arms His.
Lord, I want to be so fascinated by You that all my replacement lovers lose their appeal. I want my heart ravished with You: your beauty, your kindness, your fierceness, your passion. Lord, they sway their hips or wet their lips and I'm prone to stray. Jesus, please recapture my heart in the midst of my grief. Remind me Lord of my first love. Forgive my adulterous ways and my wandering heart and draw me into all that You are. I love you, Jesus.
The coming attractions
Sinking their teeth into me...
Greg S.
All around me they dance...replacement lovers for the wife I lost. They lift their skirts and bid me come. Replacement lovers, full of enticing promises. They promise to make me forget; forget my Nece and her final gasps for air & life, to forget her beautiful eyes now blinded, like Samson's, at the end of her valiant fight. "Come taste our lips" they taunt, "and forget how hers were cracked & dry". Even as they promise me forgetfulness, they mock me with the very pictures they claim they will erase. No, I'll never forget...
I know that their promises are empty & their beauty is fleeting...But I'm a whore, so I chase them anyway. Pleasures of the world like medication, food, music, entertainment, friends, family; anything or anyone that will take away this pain & loneliness for a moment. " Distract me", I beg, "from this bitterness of the grave that has taken away my best friend, my companion, my wife: half of who I am, or who I was to be more accurate. They tempt me with the hope of a brighter tomorrow, these replacement lovers. I allow myself to be distracted by everyone and everything except the One who can touch me deeply enough to make a difference. And I become aware...
I've done the same thing to Him. He has been betrayed. His Bride has heard the same call; the sirens song of the replacement lovers. True, these often look more acceptable. They paint their adulterous eyes with religious makeup & they call: "Come dance with me in the stock market, or workplace, or in the church building." They distract us with the busy pace of life: family, job, school, even ministry. The goal is simply to have us so busy that we are never intimate with Him. He, who created us for love, stands longing for His adulterous Bride to forsake her replacement lovers and return to Him...He is waiting...for me. I must confess Lord, waiting & watching one hour with You is hard. Even here in the IHOP prayer room I must still my mind or it will draw me a mental map, giving me directions on finding my replacement lovers.
I had a lover, but her Eternal Lover whispered her name. He turned His eyes upon her & she caught a glimpse of His gaze...she saw His burning desire for her, and at 3:10am on June 1st, 2005 she could resist Him no longer. All of her replacement lovers, including me, lost all their appeal. Cancer didn't take her, it was simply her cause of death. She was lovesick and when she heard that whisper, that invitation from her Bridegroom that she had waited so anxiously and so long to hear, so couldn't resist. She lifted her frail head & smiled her beautiful smile...and stepped from my arms His.
Lord, I want to be so fascinated by You that all my replacement lovers lose their appeal. I want my heart ravished with You: your beauty, your kindness, your fierceness, your passion. Lord, they sway their hips or wet their lips and I'm prone to stray. Jesus, please recapture my heart in the midst of my grief. Remind me Lord of my first love. Forgive my adulterous ways and my wandering heart and draw me into all that You are. I love you, Jesus.
Sunny Saturday
It's a beautiful Saturday in Kansas City. I didn't post yesterday, so I'm trying to catch up. Some new friends of mine, the Meyer family from KY, came through in their "RV" for a couple nights. These guys are radical. They have 7 kids (6 with them...1 just got married) and they travel in this radical blue Jesus bus. It has Scripture painted on it & is quite controversial to some folks. They are on their way to live in a small, Tex-Mex border town...no store there, only a bunch of Spanish-speaking people & a Catholic church...oh yeah, no other "gringos" for miles. They are going to live there for a while & share Jesus with this impoverished community. We had a great visit...this was the first time I met their children...Katherine (21), JT, David, Joseph, Sarah, and Benjamin(13). These were some of the most respectful, Jesus loving kids. Their parents (Tom & Betty) are to be commended for raising their children in the knowledge & power of Jesus. I met Tom & Betty just a few weeks after Nece died, at some mutual friends in NC. I was still really struggling with being almost suicidal, and really didn't want to meet any new people, but God said to go meet them, so I did. Tom is one the most bold, plain-spoken men I've ever met, with a real "fathering" anointing. I hadn't been there very long, when he spoke to me of what the Lord was doing in me...said he had never seen or felt such a presence of the peace of the Lord as was on me...I'm sorta like "whatever" in my heart...then he began to prophecy of the great plans of the Lord for me....not really what I wanted to hear then...then he rebuked me. He didn't even realize it (which he confirmed this week), but he told me that I should be thanking the Lord for the time I had with Nece, rather than focusing on the loss. When he said it, all the weight of suicidal junk lifted off me. When we left, I repented & told the Lord that Tom was right, and I began & continue to praise the Lord for our marriage & our time together. The Lord used Tom greatly in my life & for that I am thankful. These are a couple of photos of the Meyer family .
The 10pm worship last night was the sobering service I've ever been in, as Misty sang spontaneously of the judgement of the Lord & Mike Bickle challenged us all with the idea's we hold about ministry...Vanity...Delusion...We must be rooted & grounded in love for the days that are rapidly coming on our nation. The Lord convicted me of the vanity & delusion in my own life.
"Lord, I repent of my visions of ministry grandeur. Jesus you were hated & despised & Lord I want the grace to walk in humility as the world hates us for your name's sake. Lord, burn me with the passion of your heart...Lord, as Misty sang, I cry out "I don't wanna be offended when it all comes down". Lord, you alone are King of the Ages, and I crown you king of my heart afresh today. Take away everthing that would keep me from walking in the fullness of your love & power."
I'll conclude for today with a line from another Misty Edwards song; it describes all that God is doing in my heart:
"God is a lover, looking for a lover, so He fashions me
"God is a lover, looking for a lover, so He forms my heart".
Togetherness (Lovers)
Good, strong coffee. Thank you Lord for the greastest of beans! Do I seem overly grateful for my java? Thats because it was after 4am this morning before I crashed; a mere 5 hours ago. The bags under my eyes could hold 4lbs of bananas. Th thank God for coffee !!!!! The following thoughts were written in the IHOP-KC prayer room yesterday:
All around me I see the lovers. Young lovers, with newly created stars exploding in their eyes, displaying the power of the first day of Creation. Oh, I recognize that look. Everything is green and alive and free of pain. Even the deep pains of childhood woundings seem to release their cold, hateful grasps as the springtime of new romance blossoms. They take no thought of tomorrow, and that is as it should be; today, in love, is enough.
I see the settled lovers, looking into the eyes of their babies, newborn and fresh. It's all I can do to keep from reaching out to touch their gift, longing to ask the proud parents the sacred name of their future legacy. I ache so deeply. We were going to have 8; four sets of twins. We even had their sacred names chosen. But that was before....before....before what? Before I walked to the edge of the cliff of heresy. Before I teetered on the brink of calling God a liar, or even worse, actually believing that He is a liar. I still struggle with it. I read His Word & I'm taunted by Scriptures like "Ask & keep asking, knock & keep knocking...." or "If our earthly fathers know how to give good gifts, how much more our Heavenly Father?" or "You have not because you ask not" or "Greater works than these shall you do" or my favorite "You will lay hands on the sick and they WILL recover". On and on it goes.... I want to scream at the proud parents; "Don't assume. Don't take a single breath for granted!" But I keep my silence. No need to shatter their illusion with my grief and doubt and sadness. Before what? Before I was swallowed by the greatest mystery I've ever encountered. God is not a liar, but He certainly seems to allow us to lie to ourselves in His name.
I see the seasoned lovers and in some ways they provoke me to jealousy most of all. They grow old together, closer than the closest of friends. They've been through it all...together. Together; what a word. Together in the mornings, with aching bones, popping joints, bad breath, and good coffee...but together. Together in the afternoons, dozing on the couch as they remember the days of their youth and every smile is a reminder of the faithfulness of God. Look at that twinkle; still in love after 30 or 40 years or more. Facing the sad knowledge that soon one of them will go home first...time is so short. I remember telling Nece that even if we lived into our 80's, fifty-something years together wouldn't be enough time. Little did I know that our time would be limited to less than 8 short years...twinkies have a longer shelf life. I cry for the seasoned lovers. I can't imagine losing my best friend after that many years. It was almost impossible after less than a decade. But at least the seasoned lovers had many years....together.
So I close my eyes and still my mind and express my gratitude: Thank you Lord for my Nece. She loved me so completely and selflessly and sacrificially. Lord, I am grateful for every second that you loaned her to me...your Nece, not mine. She knew me as deeply as any human can know another person & she loved and served me with a dedication few men ever know. I was her hero, her Moshe, second only to Jesus. She saw in me a the heart of a warrior and the call of a deliverer, even when I didn't want to see it. How much more you see in me, my King. How much more you sacrificed. How much more you love me Lord. How much more potential you see in me & call forth. Lord I am yours; full of hope, doubt, fear, anger, love, and joy. But I am yours and we will make it through this dark night of my soul....together.
I see the settled lovers, looking into the eyes of their babies, newborn and fresh. It's all I can do to keep from reaching out to touch their gift, longing to ask the proud parents the sacred name of their future legacy. I ache so deeply. We were going to have 8; four sets of twins. We even had their sacred names chosen. But that was before....before....before what? Before I walked to the edge of the cliff of heresy. Before I teetered on the brink of calling God a liar, or even worse, actually believing that He is a liar. I still struggle with it. I read His Word & I'm taunted by Scriptures like "Ask & keep asking, knock & keep knocking...." or "If our earthly fathers know how to give good gifts, how much more our Heavenly Father?" or "You have not because you ask not" or "Greater works than these shall you do" or my favorite "You will lay hands on the sick and they WILL recover". On and on it goes.... I want to scream at the proud parents; "Don't assume. Don't take a single breath for granted!" But I keep my silence. No need to shatter their illusion with my grief and doubt and sadness. Before what? Before I was swallowed by the greatest mystery I've ever encountered. God is not a liar, but He certainly seems to allow us to lie to ourselves in His name.
I see the seasoned lovers and in some ways they provoke me to jealousy most of all. They grow old together, closer than the closest of friends. They've been through it all...together. Together; what a word. Together in the mornings, with aching bones, popping joints, bad breath, and good coffee...but together. Together in the afternoons, dozing on the couch as they remember the days of their youth and every smile is a reminder of the faithfulness of God. Look at that twinkle; still in love after 30 or 40 years or more. Facing the sad knowledge that soon one of them will go home first...time is so short. I remember telling Nece that even if we lived into our 80's, fifty-something years together wouldn't be enough time. Little did I know that our time would be limited to less than 8 short years...twinkies have a longer shelf life. I cry for the seasoned lovers. I can't imagine losing my best friend after that many years. It was almost impossible after less than a decade. But at least the seasoned lovers had many years....together.
So I close my eyes and still my mind and express my gratitude: Thank you Lord for my Nece. She loved me so completely and selflessly and sacrificially. Lord, I am grateful for every second that you loaned her to me...your Nece, not mine. She knew me as deeply as any human can know another person & she loved and served me with a dedication few men ever know. I was her hero, her Moshe, second only to Jesus. She saw in me a the heart of a warrior and the call of a deliverer, even when I didn't want to see it. How much more you see in me, my King. How much more you sacrificed. How much more you love me Lord. How much more potential you see in me & call forth. Lord I am yours; full of hope, doubt, fear, anger, love, and joy. But I am yours and we will make it through this dark night of my soul....together.
The Lament (from IHOP-KC)
After I posted last night, I had an amazing yet sad encounter with the Lord, so I wanted to go ahead and post it. I'll probably post again later tonight, so today you get 2 for the price of 1. What a bargain...
During the 10pm meeting last night, Misty Edwards was leading worship & went into a time of spontaneous instrumental worship...just the guitar player picking a simple, haunting melody. What follows is what I wrote under the anointing as I fell apart & faced the deepest emotions of my heart:
A single tear rolls down my cheek and I'm afraid to speak.
What if I start crying and never stop?
"What was she like?" he asks.
I'm almost afraid to remember...what if I can't forget....
The way her breath belt against this same cheek now stained with her memory
What if I can't forget...the way she danced across the room while I sang?
Do I really want to forget? No.
What if I remember how much I miss her; how empty I feel when I walk into a room & she's not there?
What do I do with the realization that each time I walk into a room, I'm still searching the
crowd for her face, listening for her laugh...still waiting for her to sneak up behind me and
wrap her arms around my waste;
But she doesn't...and she won't.
Can I handle the truth...
That I still see her smile on other peoples faces; and her hair, that beautiful silver that she
earned in the furnace of prayer, and trials, and losss...I still see glimpses of her hair on other
woman, and for the smallest moment I expect them to trun around and to see her face.
The truth...
Thinking that somehow I've gotten stuck in the worst of nightmares, in someone elses life,
and any minute now I will wake up & she will be here with me.
Surely thats why I still think in terms of how she would like this place or that song...
How, if she were here right now, she would dry my tears, and say "Don't cry little Moshe"
But no one drys my eyes, and my shirt is soaked, and no one notices...or cares.
And the singers sing of His love and His plan and somehow, magically, thats supposed to make everything ok...and I am supposed to believe that somehow this was for good.
Who's good? Hers, certainly! The kingdom? Probably. Mine? I can't believe that yet.
So, what was she like?
Full of faith, love, and perseverance until her very last breath....
Oh, that she could lend me some right now.
Greg Sullivan
10/04/05
Shortly after I finished writing this & melting down, Misty did this intense warfare/intercession song...the chorus was something like "How far will you let me go, how abandonned will you let me be?"....So I yelled at God & showed Him what I had written (ha ha) and told Him that only He could change my heart...the song also said something about not looking back....that is my heart cry today...Lord I don't want to look back...don't want to live in yesterday...but Lord, only you can move me forward...into today...the present....and the Presence....
During the 10pm meeting last night, Misty Edwards was leading worship & went into a time of spontaneous instrumental worship...just the guitar player picking a simple, haunting melody. What follows is what I wrote under the anointing as I fell apart & faced the deepest emotions of my heart:
A single tear rolls down my cheek and I'm afraid to speak.
What if I start crying and never stop?
"What was she like?" he asks.
I'm almost afraid to remember...what if I can't forget....
The way her breath belt against this same cheek now stained with her memory
What if I can't forget...the way she danced across the room while I sang?
Do I really want to forget? No.
What if I remember how much I miss her; how empty I feel when I walk into a room & she's not there?
What do I do with the realization that each time I walk into a room, I'm still searching the
crowd for her face, listening for her laugh...still waiting for her to sneak up behind me and
wrap her arms around my waste;
But she doesn't...and she won't.
Can I handle the truth...
That I still see her smile on other peoples faces; and her hair, that beautiful silver that she
earned in the furnace of prayer, and trials, and losss...I still see glimpses of her hair on other
woman, and for the smallest moment I expect them to trun around and to see her face.
The truth...
Thinking that somehow I've gotten stuck in the worst of nightmares, in someone elses life,
and any minute now I will wake up & she will be here with me.
Surely thats why I still think in terms of how she would like this place or that song...
How, if she were here right now, she would dry my tears, and say "Don't cry little Moshe"
But no one drys my eyes, and my shirt is soaked, and no one notices...or cares.
And the singers sing of His love and His plan and somehow, magically, thats supposed to make everything ok...and I am supposed to believe that somehow this was for good.
Who's good? Hers, certainly! The kingdom? Probably. Mine? I can't believe that yet.
So, what was she like?
Full of faith, love, and perseverance until her very last breath....
Oh, that she could lend me some right now.
Greg Sullivan
10/04/05
Shortly after I finished writing this & melting down, Misty did this intense warfare/intercession song...the chorus was something like "How far will you let me go, how abandonned will you let me be?"....So I yelled at God & showed Him what I had written (ha ha) and told Him that only He could change my heart...the song also said something about not looking back....that is my heart cry today...Lord I don't want to look back...don't want to live in yesterday...but Lord, only you can move me forward...into today...the present....and the Presence....
Food is Good
Everyone here is in the middle of a 3 day fast. Me? I must be fasting from fasting...Actually, I've fasted from some meals, but have yet to bring my appetite into subjection to the Spirit. I honestly try, but I get hungry & weak-feeling due to blood sugar issues, so I eat. Yesterday I beat myself up a little bit, but not today. Today I told the Lord "You know my heart...my desire is to draw closer to you, and I would like to do that through fasting." Well, maybe tomorrow...
Today was a hard. I've been engaged in a spiritual battle that I didn't particulary want to fight...driven by thoughts of just packing up & leaving...even some thoughts of ceasing to exist on this planet. No, I'm not suicidal! Don't go freaking out & calling some hotline that claims to have all the answers. Feel free to call on heaven on my behalf; that will more than suffice. :0)
I had the chance to share my story this evening with a young man named Nathan. He is new here too. He was challenged & inspired (his words) to follow harder after Jesus. He, like so many others, seemed to think that my "strong faith" was admirable. I had to explain once again...
No, I'm not that strong. I'm not some spriritual superman. I cry, I hurt, I wish....
I scream at God in my heart, while piously maintaining the proper "spiritual posture" for a charismatic. Is that what I am?? I hate labels....
I still believe in the gifts; all of them...especially healing!! How?? I can only suppose it's the grace to be stupid enough to believe that the Bible means what it says. Can my experience back that up? No.
So tonight I praise you Lord that my experiences don't change what is true. Thank You Father that you are still enthroned....
"...and when my mind is muddled by the way it seems to work
I start looking for just one connecting force,
Someone to assure me that we didn't lose the war today
and that the battle's General is still riding on His horse..."
Don Chaffer (Waterdeep) - "And"
Today was a hard. I've been engaged in a spiritual battle that I didn't particulary want to fight...driven by thoughts of just packing up & leaving...even some thoughts of ceasing to exist on this planet. No, I'm not suicidal! Don't go freaking out & calling some hotline that claims to have all the answers. Feel free to call on heaven on my behalf; that will more than suffice. :0)
I had the chance to share my story this evening with a young man named Nathan. He is new here too. He was challenged & inspired (his words) to follow harder after Jesus. He, like so many others, seemed to think that my "strong faith" was admirable. I had to explain once again...
No, I'm not that strong. I'm not some spriritual superman. I cry, I hurt, I wish....
I scream at God in my heart, while piously maintaining the proper "spiritual posture" for a charismatic. Is that what I am?? I hate labels....
I still believe in the gifts; all of them...especially healing!! How?? I can only suppose it's the grace to be stupid enough to believe that the Bible means what it says. Can my experience back that up? No.
So tonight I praise you Lord that my experiences don't change what is true. Thank You Father that you are still enthroned....
"...and when my mind is muddled by the way it seems to work
I start looking for just one connecting force,
Someone to assure me that we didn't lose the war today
and that the battle's General is still riding on His horse..."
Don Chaffer (Waterdeep) - "And"
Happy New Year !!!
At sunset this evening, Rosh Hashanah began...this is the Jewish New Year. This kicks off the "Days of Awe", leading up to Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement). It is a time to examine our lives, to repent, and to move into new seasons with the Lord. I'm finding it easy to consider my sin in this place of holiness...my frailty is more evident than ever. I'm also leaning more heavily on my beloved...coming out of the wilderness, leaning on my beloved...I have no one else.
Today is the first day of the Global Bridegroom Fast for October...a 3 day fast...things are more intense...the worship & intercession deeper...children moving powerfully in intercession...dancing before Yeshua...learning to tremble at the name of the Lord...provoking me to jealousy.
I think I will not continue trying to write from the prayer room...too difficult to think clearly, but thats a good thing...more later.
Lord, I hunger for you...and I will be satisfied. Come fill me with more of you...increase my capacity for you...
I'll finish with a quote from a spontaneous song from Misty Edwards:
"You owe me nothing
I deserve hell
You owe me nothing
Yet you've given me mercy...."
Today is the first day of the Global Bridegroom Fast for October...a 3 day fast...things are more intense...the worship & intercession deeper...children moving powerfully in intercession...dancing before Yeshua...learning to tremble at the name of the Lord...provoking me to jealousy.
I think I will not continue trying to write from the prayer room...too difficult to think clearly, but thats a good thing...more later.
Lord, I hunger for you...and I will be satisfied. Come fill me with more of you...increase my capacity for you...
I'll finish with a quote from a spontaneous song from Misty Edwards:
"You owe me nothing
I deserve hell
You owe me nothing
Yet you've given me mercy...."
On the Inside
I've discovered that there is WiFi in the prayer room, so I write to you now from the inside.
I've been here since 10am & it seems that time almost stops in the anointing. It's strange how life can go quickly or so slowly. Since Nece died it seems an eternity has passed. Prior to that day, life was rushing by so quickly; now everything is in slow motion.
OK, heres the cool part...nameless, faceless people are standing on a stage, leading other nameless, faceless people like me into the very throne room of the King...no fame...no fortune...most them I won't even recognize when I encounter them at the coffeehouse next door...faithfully they sing of His goodness, of His coming kingdom, of His justice & holiness, of His fierce loyalty to a whoring bride & of His determination to convince us of how He has already washed her...spotless...so do I feel spotless??? Nah, but that doesn't matter...
I am amazed at His touch...made quiet by His presence...knowing that soon He & I will talk about disappointment... what do I do with the promises that I'm still carrying around? The ones that obviously cannot come true...children with Nece....these names that I carry....I never knew that the name of a child...the hope of a child...could be soooo heavy.....and I'm carrying 8...and the truth is...for some reason....I can't seem to let them go....Yes, carrying them is painful, but not as painful as letting them go....I'm not sure I can let go of anything else right now...I let go of Nece, of hopes, dreams, visions,...of a warm home where we hosted our friends...of my job and income...of my best friend...of a new friend...of everything that I knew...of my questions....
Yes Lord...I agree with the song they are singing now....Jesus, be my vision....be all that I need. Lord, if you are all that I need, then I will never lack.....I love you Jesus.
I've been here since 10am & it seems that time almost stops in the anointing. It's strange how life can go quickly or so slowly. Since Nece died it seems an eternity has passed. Prior to that day, life was rushing by so quickly; now everything is in slow motion.
OK, heres the cool part...nameless, faceless people are standing on a stage, leading other nameless, faceless people like me into the very throne room of the King...no fame...no fortune...most them I won't even recognize when I encounter them at the coffeehouse next door...faithfully they sing of His goodness, of His coming kingdom, of His justice & holiness, of His fierce loyalty to a whoring bride & of His determination to convince us of how He has already washed her...spotless...so do I feel spotless??? Nah, but that doesn't matter...
I am amazed at His touch...made quiet by His presence...knowing that soon He & I will talk about disappointment... what do I do with the promises that I'm still carrying around? The ones that obviously cannot come true...children with Nece....these names that I carry....I never knew that the name of a child...the hope of a child...could be soooo heavy.....and I'm carrying 8...and the truth is...for some reason....I can't seem to let them go....Yes, carrying them is painful, but not as painful as letting them go....I'm not sure I can let go of anything else right now...I let go of Nece, of hopes, dreams, visions,...of a warm home where we hosted our friends...of my job and income...of my best friend...of a new friend...of everything that I knew...of my questions....
Yes Lord...I agree with the song they are singing now....Jesus, be my vision....be all that I need. Lord, if you are all that I need, then I will never lack.....I love you Jesus.
The Trip & Arriving
Well...I made it. I'm in KC, at the Higher Grounds Coffeehouse, wishing I had time for 1 more latte before they close. Yeah, that just what I need and make it a double. I arrived around 3:00pm and was soon assaulted by one of the greatest enemies of worship.....flippin' road construction. It took me more than an hour to go the final 3 miles of my journey. Yes, this was a plot of the enemy...or maybe just MDOT, but it was futile. I turned my music louder (so no one could hear my thoughts), and thanked the Lord for getting me here safely. Not a bad trip at all.
OK, I'm convinced that some of you are wondering..."Exactly what did Greg listen to on his road trip?" so here is a partial playlist: Left MS listening to the new Derek Webb ("I See Things Upside Down"). That got me almost all the way through AR. Followed it with an assortment including Shawn McDonald, Evan Earwicker, Don Chaffer, and Jason Morant. Then I changed gears and listened to a couple teaching CDs by Mike Bickle (The Power of a Focused Life). Great stuff...then I hit the traffiv jam. Put on "Eternity" by Misty Edwards, and finished the trip with "The Merchant Band". So there you have it...
I got checked into my apartment, unpacked, and sorta "nested" (a few decorations, pictures, Davidic Harp, etc.) I guess I learned the nesting thing from Nece...she could make a home for us anywhere. Yep, I miss her right now. She would have loved this place, but not nearly as much as the place she is in. I think the worship here is intense & lovely...and then I remember where she is & try to imagine...but I can't....my mind goes numb at the mere attempt to imagine. I wait with jealousy....hoping I sleep better tonight than last...terrible dreams of Nece being alive & living across town, but refusing to to talk to me...I woke up crying....but tonight it's better...no tears, just smiles and quiet joy. Gotta run....going to the prayer room. Will I even make it back to my apartment???? Tune in tomorrow.
OK, I'm convinced that some of you are wondering..."Exactly what did Greg listen to on his road trip?" so here is a partial playlist: Left MS listening to the new Derek Webb ("I See Things Upside Down"). That got me almost all the way through AR. Followed it with an assortment including Shawn McDonald, Evan Earwicker, Don Chaffer, and Jason Morant. Then I changed gears and listened to a couple teaching CDs by Mike Bickle (The Power of a Focused Life). Great stuff...then I hit the traffiv jam. Put on "Eternity" by Misty Edwards, and finished the trip with "The Merchant Band". So there you have it...
I got checked into my apartment, unpacked, and sorta "nested" (a few decorations, pictures, Davidic Harp, etc.) I guess I learned the nesting thing from Nece...she could make a home for us anywhere. Yep, I miss her right now. She would have loved this place, but not nearly as much as the place she is in. I think the worship here is intense & lovely...and then I remember where she is & try to imagine...but I can't....my mind goes numb at the mere attempt to imagine. I wait with jealousy....hoping I sleep better tonight than last...terrible dreams of Nece being alive & living across town, but refusing to to talk to me...I woke up crying....but tonight it's better...no tears, just smiles and quiet joy. Gotta run....going to the prayer room. Will I even make it back to my apartment???? Tune in tomorrow.