Today is my anniversary...our anniversary. Four years ago today I married my....
Fierce Love.
What is fierce love, you ask? Let me tell you about her...
Fierce Love is the most loyal companion I could ask for; quick with a smile, and just as quick to put me in my place. Fierce Love rages when I have been done wrong, desiring justice on my behalf. Fierce Love forgives me over and over again when I am a jackass, which is all too often. She can be tenderly violent and violently tender. Fierce love see's the best in me and believes in me. She patiently listens to my endless plethora of rants and raves relating to worship, child-rearing, poor customer service, grace, religious people,politics, and all my Lotro characters. Fierce love...We are certainly not calm or quiet...but we knew that going into this thing.
And fierce love holds me...she refuses to quit or give up on us, even when it would be a whole hell of a lot easier than fighting with me....again. Yes, we fight...not physically, but almost as violently. Fierce love can curse like a sailor...meekness? Well lets just say we are working on that one. We are trying, asking God for a spirit of meekness, but in the middle of a fight...who wants to be meek...I want to win...to be right...and sometimes she lets me.
Fierce Love scolds me when I beat myself up, when I don't love myself the way that Christ loves me. When I devalue myself, I am calling God a liar, because He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Yes, she reminds me of who I am called to be.
Fierce Love laughs with me and cries with me. She thinks the fact that I cry when I'm happy or when I see beauty... is a strength.
Fierce love dances...It is one of my favorite sights these days. I come into the living room, the music is cranked up, and Fierce Love is dancing, often while holding Anna...and Noah is flailing his arms & heaving his body...and laughing hysterically as he dances with his Mommy...with my Fierce Love.
Fierce Love never quits on me, even when it would be easy...even when I give her reasons to quit...maybe I even push her to quit, just to see if she will. After all, so many others have quit on me...or me on them. But not Fierce Love...she never quits...and she won't let me quit either.
Fierce Love holds my hand and walks with me...She celebrates life with me and our children. Fierce Love takes my breath away...
And to think...Her love is nothing...
Compared to....
His Love...
His love is perfect...
and perfectly Fierce.
Quitting
So, I have always been a quitter. I have no will-power...never have. And my track record from long ago shows me as a guy who runs when things get too hard. That was BC...but it's funny; some things don't just "magically" change when we get born again. I have wondered about this on and off for years and have had to accept that "His ways are NOT my ways". Here is an example of what I mean: I was instantly set free of drugs and alcohol almost 18 years ago. I mean TOTALLY free, after years of being an alcoholic & drug addict...instantly...no withdrawal, no cravings...just Jesus...he wrecked and rearranged my life...and yet....I wasn't set free from tobacco. I don't understand. Please don't get me wrong; I'm not blaming God for my tobacco jones...I have used all types of justifications...maybe it's just the "hook" that keeps me aware of my need for Him. Well, that's just plain ludicrous...I assure you...my need for Him & His grace goes MUCH deeper than my addiction to smokeless tobacco & I am keenly aware of my deep sense of need.
Here's another one: I get set free, but others don't. Now I'm not talking about "emotional decision salvations"; I am talking about folks who get radically transformed by a divine encounter with Jesus, who pursue Him for the rest of their days....and yet...they may daily have to battle addiction...It becomes a big deal for them not to go use crack or meth or whatever. I know some of my brothers who are a bit more reformed than me will question if they are really born again, and that is certanly a question that must be considered and trembled over by them and those who love them...but...I also fear it may be the reformed mans easy answer for not having an answer; one of those gray areas that we just don't have full understanding on...and it's not comfortable.
But alas, this post has gotten way off track from what I intended to write. & weeks ago we strated the Medifast diet...I did great til Superbowl Sunday & then ate some junk food, with the full intention of getting back on the program the next day...that has been weeks ago and I'm not there yet. I'm struggling...I have re-started multiple times...and I do pretty good til late in the day, I get hungry, or I crave something, and I say screw it...and eat what I want...I wish I had never quit. It seems that God had given me a grace the first time...it really was easy...and now it's not. Isn't that just like me? Like us?
We want it easy...we want an easy life, easy job, easy school, easy God...I mean c'mon...a God who demands something...anything...of us...well that's jsut not fair. The world demands enough of us....can't we be the ones to demand of our Santa-Claus God? After all, an easy life is our RIGHT, isn't it? Just bless me Lord...thats what your there for, right?
God have mercy on us...on ME...we are so screwed up and I am the chief of screw-up thinkers. We have no right to easy...in fact, if we are true followers of Jesus, I would say we have no rights at all...we have become slaves...
So today, I take the hard road...I am trying once again to get back on the extreme personal makeover plan. I have repented and I am relying on His grace...just for today...to not quit...He never quit on me. I'd love some feedback from ya'll....
Here's another one: I get set free, but others don't. Now I'm not talking about "emotional decision salvations"; I am talking about folks who get radically transformed by a divine encounter with Jesus, who pursue Him for the rest of their days....and yet...they may daily have to battle addiction...It becomes a big deal for them not to go use crack or meth or whatever. I know some of my brothers who are a bit more reformed than me will question if they are really born again, and that is certanly a question that must be considered and trembled over by them and those who love them...but...I also fear it may be the reformed mans easy answer for not having an answer; one of those gray areas that we just don't have full understanding on...and it's not comfortable.
But alas, this post has gotten way off track from what I intended to write. & weeks ago we strated the Medifast diet...I did great til Superbowl Sunday & then ate some junk food, with the full intention of getting back on the program the next day...that has been weeks ago and I'm not there yet. I'm struggling...I have re-started multiple times...and I do pretty good til late in the day, I get hungry, or I crave something, and I say screw it...and eat what I want...I wish I had never quit. It seems that God had given me a grace the first time...it really was easy...and now it's not. Isn't that just like me? Like us?
We want it easy...we want an easy life, easy job, easy school, easy God...I mean c'mon...a God who demands something...anything...of us...well that's jsut not fair. The world demands enough of us....can't we be the ones to demand of our Santa-Claus God? After all, an easy life is our RIGHT, isn't it? Just bless me Lord...thats what your there for, right?
God have mercy on us...on ME...we are so screwed up and I am the chief of screw-up thinkers. We have no right to easy...in fact, if we are true followers of Jesus, I would say we have no rights at all...we have become slaves...
So today, I take the hard road...I am trying once again to get back on the extreme personal makeover plan. I have repented and I am relying on His grace...just for today...to not quit...He never quit on me. I'd love some feedback from ya'll....
Distractions 2010 (with thanks to Justin Rizzo)
"It's amazing how many things I can do, to keep myself from remembering how far I really am away from You." -Justin Rizzo
When this came up on my Facebook page, it stopped me in my tracks. Justin Rizzo is a worship leader & intercessory missionary at IHOP-KC & he posted this as his status update earlier this week and I have been chewing on it since then. It wounds me....it pierces me in the deepest place with it's blade of truth. Distractions have once again placed themselves on the throne of my heart. Oh, how subtle and sneaky they are, these little devils of distraction, and they take many forms: religious activity, family matters, comfort, entertainment...all the activities of my mind & my hands...ANYTHING....just so long as I don't have to be still & quiet and face the reality....that You are altogether NOT like me and I am not striving daily to be like You.
I wrote an extended piece about this very thing several years ago, when I spent a month at IHOP-KC. My first wife, Denise, had passed away & I went there to wrestle with the grief & to allow the Lord to heal me. Itis interesting to go back and read it now...here is the link, if you are interested. "Replacement Lovers"
The Wisdom Of Laying Down
Written on 1/7/2010
It was just a few months ago. It was late Spring or early Summer. Noah was happily doing what 2 yr old boys do outside on days like this...running around in circles screaming and then heaving himself on the ground and giggling like crazy. What a beautiful scene. What a beautiful day; you know the kind of day I'm talking about; blue skies that seem like they go on forever, birds singing their sweet songs, the smell of roses drifting on the breeze...all that crap, but honestly, I didn't notice any of this. Why do I call it crap? Why didn't I notice? Melanie and I were fighting...again. The details are long gone, and if i could remember them, it would be completely trivial. Our disagreement had turned into an "I'm right and your wrong" wrestling match, and neither of us were interested in making up or ending the argument...we wanted to be RIGHT! Out of complete frustration, I took Noah & retreated to the great outdoors.
A few minutes passed & Melanie came outside, but we still didn't speak; we just watched him run & jump, then he would throw himself down on the ground, and roll onto his back & stare at the sky. Then a funny thing happened...he knew we were fighting; (we don't hide it very well and I'm ashamed to say there are times he sternly tells us to stop fighting). So, in the middle of our "cold shoulder" stubborn pride, he speaks these words..."Daddy, come lay down with me. Mommy, come lay down with me." My mind immediately went to all the excuses I could use...my back hurts, the grass is damp, I'll get itchy...whatever....but I didn't say any of these, I simply sat down beside him, as Melanie stretched out beside him. "No, Daddy...you have to see this...you have to lay down. So I did.
INSTANTLY, the anger melted away, and I reached for Mel's hand, to find her reaching for mine. There is something therapeutic about the feeling of cool grass on your skin...something almost holy about staring into the deep blue sky that seems to go on forever. I began to realize that the magic of the moment was because I had taken my rightful place...in the dust. I was overwhelmed with awe and wonder, and filled with the most peace and joy that I had felt in a very long time. Tears began to roll down my face as I was reminded of how BIG God is, and of how small I am...and how small & ridiculous my problems are...I was where I should be...laying in the grass with my precious son & beautiful wife, staring up at the creation of my beautiful Father.
Yes, there is a wisdom in laying down; in laying down my rights & my beloved little wrongs, in laying down my need to be right instead of happy, in laying down my pride, my agenda, and my self-centeredness...and there is a wisdom in laying down in the grass and remembering how small I am & how great is He...
...and He likes me.
It was just a few months ago. It was late Spring or early Summer. Noah was happily doing what 2 yr old boys do outside on days like this...running around in circles screaming and then heaving himself on the ground and giggling like crazy. What a beautiful scene. What a beautiful day; you know the kind of day I'm talking about; blue skies that seem like they go on forever, birds singing their sweet songs, the smell of roses drifting on the breeze...all that crap, but honestly, I didn't notice any of this. Why do I call it crap? Why didn't I notice? Melanie and I were fighting...again. The details are long gone, and if i could remember them, it would be completely trivial. Our disagreement had turned into an "I'm right and your wrong" wrestling match, and neither of us were interested in making up or ending the argument...we wanted to be RIGHT! Out of complete frustration, I took Noah & retreated to the great outdoors.
A few minutes passed & Melanie came outside, but we still didn't speak; we just watched him run & jump, then he would throw himself down on the ground, and roll onto his back & stare at the sky. Then a funny thing happened...he knew we were fighting; (we don't hide it very well and I'm ashamed to say there are times he sternly tells us to stop fighting). So, in the middle of our "cold shoulder" stubborn pride, he speaks these words..."Daddy, come lay down with me. Mommy, come lay down with me." My mind immediately went to all the excuses I could use...my back hurts, the grass is damp, I'll get itchy...whatever....but I didn't say any of these, I simply sat down beside him, as Melanie stretched out beside him. "No, Daddy...you have to see this...you have to lay down. So I did.
INSTANTLY, the anger melted away, and I reached for Mel's hand, to find her reaching for mine. There is something therapeutic about the feeling of cool grass on your skin...something almost holy about staring into the deep blue sky that seems to go on forever. I began to realize that the magic of the moment was because I had taken my rightful place...in the dust. I was overwhelmed with awe and wonder, and filled with the most peace and joy that I had felt in a very long time. Tears began to roll down my face as I was reminded of how BIG God is, and of how small I am...and how small & ridiculous my problems are...I was where I should be...laying in the grass with my precious son & beautiful wife, staring up at the creation of my beautiful Father.
Yes, there is a wisdom in laying down; in laying down my rights & my beloved little wrongs, in laying down my need to be right instead of happy, in laying down my pride, my agenda, and my self-centeredness...and there is a wisdom in laying down in the grass and remembering how small I am & how great is He...
...and He likes me.
Darth Vader's Mommy
Written on 12/27/2009
The love of a Mommy never ceases to amaze me. This morning it was displayed in the meticulous way that she helped our 3 yr old, Noah, put on his new Darth Vader outfit.
With the tenderness, she helped him get the body suit on...Next it was the belt; she explained what every little button and light was. Now it was time for the cape...according to him this is what makes him a super-hero! Mommy gently fits it to him and ties it on, while he is squirming with excitement. She puts the gloves on next...way too big, but she shows him how to get his fingers in the holes. Finally the moment has arrived: the MASK...oh, yes...he will BE Darth Vader. She slips it on his head, and for the briefest moment he poses for me to snap a few pictures...and then...the moment is gone. “I don’t like this mask” he whines. “It doesn’t fit right”. “These gloves are too big”...Mommy looks at me with a mixture of disappointment, frustration, and maybe...just maybe...a hint of anger. Her look says it all...”You better talk to your son!”
Now, this gets a bit sticky...It’s Christmas morning. We don’t want to ruin the morning by making too much of a big deal out of something that’s completely normal for a 3 yr old. I mean, thats as good an excuse as any...”He is only 3”...”It’s ok, it’s natural”. But I don’t want to miss such a great teachable moment. I call him to me & he climbs in my lap. Yes, it is true...it’s normal and natural...it’s his fallen nature. I explained to him about being thankful....how so many children have so much less...how some children live outside because they don’t have houses. He nods his understanding and he’s off & running....back to Mommy for hugs and thank-you’s. And she has forgotten all that happened just a few moments ago...Darth Vader is lucky to have such a loving mommy...and I’m lucky to be married to her.
The love of a Mommy never ceases to amaze me. This morning it was displayed in the meticulous way that she helped our 3 yr old, Noah, put on his new Darth Vader outfit.
With the tenderness, she helped him get the body suit on...Next it was the belt; she explained what every little button and light was. Now it was time for the cape...according to him this is what makes him a super-hero! Mommy gently fits it to him and ties it on, while he is squirming with excitement. She puts the gloves on next...way too big, but she shows him how to get his fingers in the holes. Finally the moment has arrived: the MASK...oh, yes...he will BE Darth Vader. She slips it on his head, and for the briefest moment he poses for me to snap a few pictures...and then...the moment is gone. “I don’t like this mask” he whines. “It doesn’t fit right”. “These gloves are too big”...Mommy looks at me with a mixture of disappointment, frustration, and maybe...just maybe...a hint of anger. Her look says it all...”You better talk to your son!”
Now, this gets a bit sticky...It’s Christmas morning. We don’t want to ruin the morning by making too much of a big deal out of something that’s completely normal for a 3 yr old. I mean, thats as good an excuse as any...”He is only 3”...”It’s ok, it’s natural”. But I don’t want to miss such a great teachable moment. I call him to me & he climbs in my lap. Yes, it is true...it’s normal and natural...it’s his fallen nature. I explained to him about being thankful....how so many children have so much less...how some children live outside because they don’t have houses. He nods his understanding and he’s off & running....back to Mommy for hugs and thank-you’s. And she has forgotten all that happened just a few moments ago...Darth Vader is lucky to have such a loving mommy...and I’m lucky to be married to her.
New Beginnings (But not from IHOP-KC)
I wonder how many people will find this again? It has been almost 4 yrs since I last wrote. Life has been incredible and busy. I'm not sure how much I can catch you up in one post, but I'll try...
So, I left a bunch of folks hanging. I was at IHOP-KC, trying to process the death of Denise. My time at IHOP-KC was amazing, as I poured out my heart completely...the tears, the anger, doubt, confusion, and everything in between. I wrote in my last post that I would follow up with "The Wedding", an unwritten chronicle of her funeral, which I preached...it is still unwritten, at least on paper. It is written on my heart, and the hearts of those who were there...to say their good-byes...and I've said mine.
So what has happened since we last talked? Honestly, I am completely overwhelmed at even trying to answer that question. The answer will probably come out a lot like a baby who is projectile-vomitting: messy, seemingly endless, and with no direction, so here goes...grab a poncho, because this could get as messy as the front row at a Gallagher show...
Not long after Denise died, I met Melanie. I will not EVEN go into the whole "mandatory mourning time" arguement, though I will say that, thanks to my Grief Recovery training, I wasn't trying to replace the loss of Denise with someone new....anyhoo...like I was saying, I met Melanie. We fell in love, and we began the rocky journey of starting a relationship where there is baggage involved, and I ain't talking about Samsonite. She was recently divorced & I was newly widowed...Readers Digest version: We survived and got married in March 2006. In a short period of time, God had healed my heart AND gave me an amazing new wife. Since He delights in performing miracles, and He loves giving His kids good gifts, we shouldn't have been surprised when almost immediately…like 3 weeks into the marriage…He got us pregnant. Ok, well it wasn’t an immaculate conception…I got her pregnant, and had a great time doing it….BUT…neither of us thought we could have kids, so it was a miracle to us. Nine months later, our son was born…Noah Gregory Sullivan. That’s right folks; I became a first-time Dad at the ripe young age of 42. Fast forward 18 months…We were loving life, I was doing full-time worship leading, Noah was growing like a weed….life was GREAT. And, since Noah was a one-time-wonder-miracle baby, the thought that Mel could get pregnant again never crossed our minds…or any other parts of our bodies. God must have laughed and laughed at our shock of finding out we were going to be parents again. We were thrilled…excited….we had this down now…the second one would be SOOO much easier we told ourselves…we were experts…we had lost our freakin minds. In January of this year, 2009, Anna Grace was born. She is an amazing little girl…much more strong-headed than Noah ever was, but beautiful, and fun, and full of life…yes, we are so blessed. God has been amazingly faithful to us…and He has given us the desires of our hearts, and in doing so…He has also given us another great gift…the will and discipline…to practice birth control.
I know, some of you are flipping out right now…birth control? How dare we? What if God wants us to have 15 more kids? Well, if He does, I think we will know it before you…and if He does…I think He will give us a doctor who believes in prescribing strong drugs, and a live-in marriage counselor who doubles as a nanny, cook, maid, home-school teacher…and probably much more. I am just kidding…sorta…
Honestly, we have had some serious marital issues over the past year or so…days we didn’t think we were going to make it…once I even packed my bag, and Mel didn’t care that I had packed my bag. We are in counseling, but we know what to do: Esteem each other greater than ourselves. I need to love my wife the way Jesus loved the Church…I know that…but I am self-centered…selfish to the core…and I want my way….and I want to be right…and God is changing me…not as fast as I want…but the Holy Spirit is moving in me…constraining me…breaking me & re-molding me to look like Jesus. I am so thankful and so pissed…I will write more about my struggles and our marital struggles in the days to come…I will write about worshiping God and how it can be an act of warfare for marriage. I will tell life stories, offer my thoughts on church, worship, and ministry. I will probably offend you occasionally, and hopefully, make you laugh…and think…quite often.
The next 2 or 3 posts were written over the past few months, but haven't been published, so I'll go ahead and post them, and put the real date at the beginning.
Welcome back to my life...glad you are here!
So, I left a bunch of folks hanging. I was at IHOP-KC, trying to process the death of Denise. My time at IHOP-KC was amazing, as I poured out my heart completely...the tears, the anger, doubt, confusion, and everything in between. I wrote in my last post that I would follow up with "The Wedding", an unwritten chronicle of her funeral, which I preached...it is still unwritten, at least on paper. It is written on my heart, and the hearts of those who were there...to say their good-byes...and I've said mine.
So what has happened since we last talked? Honestly, I am completely overwhelmed at even trying to answer that question. The answer will probably come out a lot like a baby who is projectile-vomitting: messy, seemingly endless, and with no direction, so here goes...grab a poncho, because this could get as messy as the front row at a Gallagher show...
Not long after Denise died, I met Melanie. I will not EVEN go into the whole "mandatory mourning time" arguement, though I will say that, thanks to my Grief Recovery training, I wasn't trying to replace the loss of Denise with someone new....anyhoo...like I was saying, I met Melanie. We fell in love, and we began the rocky journey of starting a relationship where there is baggage involved, and I ain't talking about Samsonite. She was recently divorced & I was newly widowed...Readers Digest version: We survived and got married in March 2006. In a short period of time, God had healed my heart AND gave me an amazing new wife. Since He delights in performing miracles, and He loves giving His kids good gifts, we shouldn't have been surprised when almost immediately…like 3 weeks into the marriage…He got us pregnant. Ok, well it wasn’t an immaculate conception…I got her pregnant, and had a great time doing it….BUT…neither of us thought we could have kids, so it was a miracle to us. Nine months later, our son was born…Noah Gregory Sullivan. That’s right folks; I became a first-time Dad at the ripe young age of 42. Fast forward 18 months…We were loving life, I was doing full-time worship leading, Noah was growing like a weed….life was GREAT. And, since Noah was a one-time-wonder-miracle baby, the thought that Mel could get pregnant again never crossed our minds…or any other parts of our bodies. God must have laughed and laughed at our shock of finding out we were going to be parents again. We were thrilled…excited….we had this down now…the second one would be SOOO much easier we told ourselves…we were experts…we had lost our freakin minds. In January of this year, 2009, Anna Grace was born. She is an amazing little girl…much more strong-headed than Noah ever was, but beautiful, and fun, and full of life…yes, we are so blessed. God has been amazingly faithful to us…and He has given us the desires of our hearts, and in doing so…He has also given us another great gift…the will and discipline…to practice birth control.
I know, some of you are flipping out right now…birth control? How dare we? What if God wants us to have 15 more kids? Well, if He does, I think we will know it before you…and if He does…I think He will give us a doctor who believes in prescribing strong drugs, and a live-in marriage counselor who doubles as a nanny, cook, maid, home-school teacher…and probably much more. I am just kidding…sorta…
Honestly, we have had some serious marital issues over the past year or so…days we didn’t think we were going to make it…once I even packed my bag, and Mel didn’t care that I had packed my bag. We are in counseling, but we know what to do: Esteem each other greater than ourselves. I need to love my wife the way Jesus loved the Church…I know that…but I am self-centered…selfish to the core…and I want my way….and I want to be right…and God is changing me…not as fast as I want…but the Holy Spirit is moving in me…constraining me…breaking me & re-molding me to look like Jesus. I am so thankful and so pissed…I will write more about my struggles and our marital struggles in the days to come…I will write about worshiping God and how it can be an act of warfare for marriage. I will tell life stories, offer my thoughts on church, worship, and ministry. I will probably offend you occasionally, and hopefully, make you laugh…and think…quite often.
The next 2 or 3 posts were written over the past few months, but haven't been published, so I'll go ahead and post them, and put the real date at the beginning.
Welcome back to my life...glad you are here!