Written on 1/7/2010
It was just a few months ago. It was late Spring or early Summer. Noah was happily doing what 2 yr old boys do outside on days like this...running around in circles screaming and then heaving himself on the ground and giggling like crazy. What a beautiful scene. What a beautiful day; you know the kind of day I'm talking about; blue skies that seem like they go on forever, birds singing their sweet songs, the smell of roses drifting on the breeze...all that crap, but honestly, I didn't notice any of this. Why do I call it crap? Why didn't I notice? Melanie and I were fighting...again. The details are long gone, and if i could remember them, it would be completely trivial. Our disagreement had turned into an "I'm right and your wrong" wrestling match, and neither of us were interested in making up or ending the argument...we wanted to be RIGHT! Out of complete frustration, I took Noah & retreated to the great outdoors.
A few minutes passed & Melanie came outside, but we still didn't speak; we just watched him run & jump, then he would throw himself down on the ground, and roll onto his back & stare at the sky. Then a funny thing happened...he knew we were fighting; (we don't hide it very well and I'm ashamed to say there are times he sternly tells us to stop fighting). So, in the middle of our "cold shoulder" stubborn pride, he speaks these words..."Daddy, come lay down with me. Mommy, come lay down with me." My mind immediately went to all the excuses I could use...my back hurts, the grass is damp, I'll get itchy...whatever....but I didn't say any of these, I simply sat down beside him, as Melanie stretched out beside him. "No, Daddy...you have to see this...you have to lay down. So I did.
INSTANTLY, the anger melted away, and I reached for Mel's hand, to find her reaching for mine. There is something therapeutic about the feeling of cool grass on your skin...something almost holy about staring into the deep blue sky that seems to go on forever. I began to realize that the magic of the moment was because I had taken my rightful place...in the dust. I was overwhelmed with awe and wonder, and filled with the most peace and joy that I had felt in a very long time. Tears began to roll down my face as I was reminded of how BIG God is, and of how small I am...and how small & ridiculous my problems are...I was where I should be...laying in the grass with my precious son & beautiful wife, staring up at the creation of my beautiful Father.
Yes, there is a wisdom in laying down; in laying down my rights & my beloved little wrongs, in laying down my need to be right instead of happy, in laying down my pride, my agenda, and my self-centeredness...and there is a wisdom in laying down in the grass and remembering how small I am & how great is He...
...and He likes me.
Darth Vader's Mommy
Written on 12/27/2009
The love of a Mommy never ceases to amaze me. This morning it was displayed in the meticulous way that she helped our 3 yr old, Noah, put on his new Darth Vader outfit.
With the tenderness, she helped him get the body suit on...Next it was the belt; she explained what every little button and light was. Now it was time for the cape...according to him this is what makes him a super-hero! Mommy gently fits it to him and ties it on, while he is squirming with excitement. She puts the gloves on next...way too big, but she shows him how to get his fingers in the holes. Finally the moment has arrived: the MASK...oh, yes...he will BE Darth Vader. She slips it on his head, and for the briefest moment he poses for me to snap a few pictures...and then...the moment is gone. “I don’t like this mask” he whines. “It doesn’t fit right”. “These gloves are too big”...Mommy looks at me with a mixture of disappointment, frustration, and maybe...just maybe...a hint of anger. Her look says it all...”You better talk to your son!”
Now, this gets a bit sticky...It’s Christmas morning. We don’t want to ruin the morning by making too much of a big deal out of something that’s completely normal for a 3 yr old. I mean, thats as good an excuse as any...”He is only 3”...”It’s ok, it’s natural”. But I don’t want to miss such a great teachable moment. I call him to me & he climbs in my lap. Yes, it is true...it’s normal and natural...it’s his fallen nature. I explained to him about being thankful....how so many children have so much less...how some children live outside because they don’t have houses. He nods his understanding and he’s off & running....back to Mommy for hugs and thank-you’s. And she has forgotten all that happened just a few moments ago...Darth Vader is lucky to have such a loving mommy...and I’m lucky to be married to her.
The love of a Mommy never ceases to amaze me. This morning it was displayed in the meticulous way that she helped our 3 yr old, Noah, put on his new Darth Vader outfit.
With the tenderness, she helped him get the body suit on...Next it was the belt; she explained what every little button and light was. Now it was time for the cape...according to him this is what makes him a super-hero! Mommy gently fits it to him and ties it on, while he is squirming with excitement. She puts the gloves on next...way too big, but she shows him how to get his fingers in the holes. Finally the moment has arrived: the MASK...oh, yes...he will BE Darth Vader. She slips it on his head, and for the briefest moment he poses for me to snap a few pictures...and then...the moment is gone. “I don’t like this mask” he whines. “It doesn’t fit right”. “These gloves are too big”...Mommy looks at me with a mixture of disappointment, frustration, and maybe...just maybe...a hint of anger. Her look says it all...”You better talk to your son!”
Now, this gets a bit sticky...It’s Christmas morning. We don’t want to ruin the morning by making too much of a big deal out of something that’s completely normal for a 3 yr old. I mean, thats as good an excuse as any...”He is only 3”...”It’s ok, it’s natural”. But I don’t want to miss such a great teachable moment. I call him to me & he climbs in my lap. Yes, it is true...it’s normal and natural...it’s his fallen nature. I explained to him about being thankful....how so many children have so much less...how some children live outside because they don’t have houses. He nods his understanding and he’s off & running....back to Mommy for hugs and thank-you’s. And she has forgotten all that happened just a few moments ago...Darth Vader is lucky to have such a loving mommy...and I’m lucky to be married to her.
New Beginnings (But not from IHOP-KC)
I wonder how many people will find this again? It has been almost 4 yrs since I last wrote. Life has been incredible and busy. I'm not sure how much I can catch you up in one post, but I'll try...
So, I left a bunch of folks hanging. I was at IHOP-KC, trying to process the death of Denise. My time at IHOP-KC was amazing, as I poured out my heart completely...the tears, the anger, doubt, confusion, and everything in between. I wrote in my last post that I would follow up with "The Wedding", an unwritten chronicle of her funeral, which I preached...it is still unwritten, at least on paper. It is written on my heart, and the hearts of those who were there...to say their good-byes...and I've said mine.
So what has happened since we last talked? Honestly, I am completely overwhelmed at even trying to answer that question. The answer will probably come out a lot like a baby who is projectile-vomitting: messy, seemingly endless, and with no direction, so here goes...grab a poncho, because this could get as messy as the front row at a Gallagher show...
Not long after Denise died, I met Melanie. I will not EVEN go into the whole "mandatory mourning time" arguement, though I will say that, thanks to my Grief Recovery training, I wasn't trying to replace the loss of Denise with someone new....anyhoo...like I was saying, I met Melanie. We fell in love, and we began the rocky journey of starting a relationship where there is baggage involved, and I ain't talking about Samsonite. She was recently divorced & I was newly widowed...Readers Digest version: We survived and got married in March 2006. In a short period of time, God had healed my heart AND gave me an amazing new wife. Since He delights in performing miracles, and He loves giving His kids good gifts, we shouldn't have been surprised when almost immediately…like 3 weeks into the marriage…He got us pregnant. Ok, well it wasn’t an immaculate conception…I got her pregnant, and had a great time doing it….BUT…neither of us thought we could have kids, so it was a miracle to us. Nine months later, our son was born…Noah Gregory Sullivan. That’s right folks; I became a first-time Dad at the ripe young age of 42. Fast forward 18 months…We were loving life, I was doing full-time worship leading, Noah was growing like a weed….life was GREAT. And, since Noah was a one-time-wonder-miracle baby, the thought that Mel could get pregnant again never crossed our minds…or any other parts of our bodies. God must have laughed and laughed at our shock of finding out we were going to be parents again. We were thrilled…excited….we had this down now…the second one would be SOOO much easier we told ourselves…we were experts…we had lost our freakin minds. In January of this year, 2009, Anna Grace was born. She is an amazing little girl…much more strong-headed than Noah ever was, but beautiful, and fun, and full of life…yes, we are so blessed. God has been amazingly faithful to us…and He has given us the desires of our hearts, and in doing so…He has also given us another great gift…the will and discipline…to practice birth control.
I know, some of you are flipping out right now…birth control? How dare we? What if God wants us to have 15 more kids? Well, if He does, I think we will know it before you…and if He does…I think He will give us a doctor who believes in prescribing strong drugs, and a live-in marriage counselor who doubles as a nanny, cook, maid, home-school teacher…and probably much more. I am just kidding…sorta…
Honestly, we have had some serious marital issues over the past year or so…days we didn’t think we were going to make it…once I even packed my bag, and Mel didn’t care that I had packed my bag. We are in counseling, but we know what to do: Esteem each other greater than ourselves. I need to love my wife the way Jesus loved the Church…I know that…but I am self-centered…selfish to the core…and I want my way….and I want to be right…and God is changing me…not as fast as I want…but the Holy Spirit is moving in me…constraining me…breaking me & re-molding me to look like Jesus. I am so thankful and so pissed…I will write more about my struggles and our marital struggles in the days to come…I will write about worshiping God and how it can be an act of warfare for marriage. I will tell life stories, offer my thoughts on church, worship, and ministry. I will probably offend you occasionally, and hopefully, make you laugh…and think…quite often.
The next 2 or 3 posts were written over the past few months, but haven't been published, so I'll go ahead and post them, and put the real date at the beginning.
Welcome back to my life...glad you are here!
So, I left a bunch of folks hanging. I was at IHOP-KC, trying to process the death of Denise. My time at IHOP-KC was amazing, as I poured out my heart completely...the tears, the anger, doubt, confusion, and everything in between. I wrote in my last post that I would follow up with "The Wedding", an unwritten chronicle of her funeral, which I preached...it is still unwritten, at least on paper. It is written on my heart, and the hearts of those who were there...to say their good-byes...and I've said mine.
So what has happened since we last talked? Honestly, I am completely overwhelmed at even trying to answer that question. The answer will probably come out a lot like a baby who is projectile-vomitting: messy, seemingly endless, and with no direction, so here goes...grab a poncho, because this could get as messy as the front row at a Gallagher show...
Not long after Denise died, I met Melanie. I will not EVEN go into the whole "mandatory mourning time" arguement, though I will say that, thanks to my Grief Recovery training, I wasn't trying to replace the loss of Denise with someone new....anyhoo...like I was saying, I met Melanie. We fell in love, and we began the rocky journey of starting a relationship where there is baggage involved, and I ain't talking about Samsonite. She was recently divorced & I was newly widowed...Readers Digest version: We survived and got married in March 2006. In a short period of time, God had healed my heart AND gave me an amazing new wife. Since He delights in performing miracles, and He loves giving His kids good gifts, we shouldn't have been surprised when almost immediately…like 3 weeks into the marriage…He got us pregnant. Ok, well it wasn’t an immaculate conception…I got her pregnant, and had a great time doing it….BUT…neither of us thought we could have kids, so it was a miracle to us. Nine months later, our son was born…Noah Gregory Sullivan. That’s right folks; I became a first-time Dad at the ripe young age of 42. Fast forward 18 months…We were loving life, I was doing full-time worship leading, Noah was growing like a weed….life was GREAT. And, since Noah was a one-time-wonder-miracle baby, the thought that Mel could get pregnant again never crossed our minds…or any other parts of our bodies. God must have laughed and laughed at our shock of finding out we were going to be parents again. We were thrilled…excited….we had this down now…the second one would be SOOO much easier we told ourselves…we were experts…we had lost our freakin minds. In January of this year, 2009, Anna Grace was born. She is an amazing little girl…much more strong-headed than Noah ever was, but beautiful, and fun, and full of life…yes, we are so blessed. God has been amazingly faithful to us…and He has given us the desires of our hearts, and in doing so…He has also given us another great gift…the will and discipline…to practice birth control.
I know, some of you are flipping out right now…birth control? How dare we? What if God wants us to have 15 more kids? Well, if He does, I think we will know it before you…and if He does…I think He will give us a doctor who believes in prescribing strong drugs, and a live-in marriage counselor who doubles as a nanny, cook, maid, home-school teacher…and probably much more. I am just kidding…sorta…
Honestly, we have had some serious marital issues over the past year or so…days we didn’t think we were going to make it…once I even packed my bag, and Mel didn’t care that I had packed my bag. We are in counseling, but we know what to do: Esteem each other greater than ourselves. I need to love my wife the way Jesus loved the Church…I know that…but I am self-centered…selfish to the core…and I want my way….and I want to be right…and God is changing me…not as fast as I want…but the Holy Spirit is moving in me…constraining me…breaking me & re-molding me to look like Jesus. I am so thankful and so pissed…I will write more about my struggles and our marital struggles in the days to come…I will write about worshiping God and how it can be an act of warfare for marriage. I will tell life stories, offer my thoughts on church, worship, and ministry. I will probably offend you occasionally, and hopefully, make you laugh…and think…quite often.
The next 2 or 3 posts were written over the past few months, but haven't been published, so I'll go ahead and post them, and put the real date at the beginning.
Welcome back to my life...glad you are here!