Medication (Pt.1)

I am back in Mississippi tonight and will be home in Georgia in a week or so. My time at IHOP-KC was incredible and the Lord did work so deeply in my heart that it may be years before I understand the implications. I feel like the Lord now wants me to begin writing some of the deepest, most painful parts of my journey. It will be difficult because it means re-living and re-telling the parts that I want most to forget. So grab a tissue and say a prayer for me.
Father, I pray for the grace to write words from my heart that reflect your heart. Lord I ask that every person who reads this post to encounter you wherever they are and to experience your love and healing power. In Jesus Name...

"Don't lie to me, just tell me something true
Because I'm only free, when I look at You
And You look so good it hurts, and Lord I come undone...
But I don't want medication, just give me liberation
Even if it cuts my legs right out from under me
Don't give me medication, I want the real sensation
Even when living feels just like death to me...." Derek Webb "Medication"



It was 6am on May 31st, 2005. The nurses couldn't get a pulse on Denise...her blood pressure was too low. Her breathing had become strained, gasping every 20 or 30 seconds; it was the beginning of what would be her last day as a prisoner to her now frail body. For six short and long months she had fought...we had fought...some of you had fought, and still we stood in faith. The nurses tried several times to get a BP reading, but this time nothing worked. They called in an on-call MD and the struggle to maintain faith became a war in my heart. The first question was tumbling off the lips of the kind lady doctor, almost in slow motion..."Do you want us to put her on life support?" Even as I type this the emotions overtake me...I walked to the bed and aroused my near-death wife, asking her the question that I already knew her answer to: "Wake up Nece...can you hear my baby?" She slowly looked into my eyes and nodded, her ability to speak gone since the previous night. "Do you want them to put you on a machine to keep you alive honey?" She shook her pretty head, the way I knew she would. "Are you sure?" Yes, she nodded. By now her Mom had arrived. The MD hesitated, asking the next question, which she obviously didn't want to ask..."Do you want us to resuscitate her?" Resuscitate her to what? A body wracked with cancer, and weakness...to keep her alive and out of the arms of her Eternal Bridegroom, so that I could watch her suffer some more? Her mom & I stepped outside to discuss the inevitable...her Mom (Linda) said it's the hardest thing she ever had to say...to tell the doctor "Don't resuscitate my child". They made us sign the paper and pasted our grave decision on the door for all to see..."DNR". I wonder now if the people walking those hollow halls that day noticed our sad, yet faith-filled sign? Could they possibly know that inside of that tiny room that they just so casually passed by...lay the most loved of daughters...the most cherished of wives...a warrior bride, who fought fiercely for her husband, for her friends and family...and now for her life...a bravehearted intercessor who was close to martyrdom in the arena of faith...trusting God til the very end. Could the passersby have fathomed that in less than 24 hours a daughter of Zion would suffer no more? Probably not...they obviously had their own heroes who were in some state of suffering or sickness. Next, was a simple, silly question.."Do you want us to take her to ICU?" "Is there anything special you can do there?" I asked. "No, just monitor her more closely." "Can we be with her?" "No." "Well, just leave her here please" we replied. The doctor acknowledge that she understood, gave us her condolences, and excused herself. We had been in the hospital in downtown Atlanta for 8 days (I think).

The nurses had all been amazing, especially one named Arjulia. She was a Christian, and had served us with the highest levels of love and compassion. She had hugged us, cryed with us, and prayed with us...and Denise really liked her. Another nurse came in and told us they were about to start Nece on a morphine IV drip. I had no idea at the time what an important decision I was about to make. I asked the nurse why, since Nece was in zero pain. She replied that it would "speed up the process." I told her we didn't want her on any medications "to speed it up". Her next statement was a bit of a shock..."It will make it easier on you and the family" she told me. The next words out of my mouth soon became my motto: "I don't want easy!". It was true then and still remains true now...I want to experience all of this...every ounce of loss, emotion, grief, loneliness...the whole enchilada. Why? Because I was born for this moment in time. The Lord has designed this very situation for me to endure and grow from...it is part of my life, whether I like it or not. So I don't want medication...

I'll journal the next phase of the day later, but I want to talk a minute about medication...not just pharmaceuticals, but all the ways that I'm tempted to numb myself. Within a week or so of Denise's death, the temptations began...walk away from God all the way back to the pit...take some pills, have some sex, smoke some dope, drink yourself into oblivion...forget it all, especially this God I was disappointed with...for the most part, by the grace of God, I resisted these. The forms of self-medicating that I did try had no appeal or hold on me, mainly because I liked them way too much and because I hated them too...the Lord held me tightly when I was completely unable to hold on to Him...He surrounded me with His grace, though I was too numb and shocked to "feel" His presence...He led me through the first set of tests, but more were waiting...and these were more subtle forms of self-medicating...watch TV all the time, play video games, go to the movies, rent a movie...escape, escape, escape they called to me...just check out mentally. I succumbed to some of these for a short season...I just didn't want to think...yet He wooed me still...then it got real tricky...the most subtle, deceitful temptation was yet to come...embracing the pain in the form of self-pity..."just feel sorry for yourself and quit serving this uncaring Lord of yours". It was so subtle that it almost worked...but this "uncaring" Lord of mine was faithful enough to speak to me, even when I wasn't listening and really didn't want to hear His voice. This is what He said........"Greg, self-pity is not your friend, it is your mortal enemy right now. It will destroy you if you let it." The message sunk into the deepest places of my spirit, and I took one step towards embracing my destiny...without the use of medication!