"...Because the truth is I need you
Just like the air I breathe
Just like a freight train needs the tracks beneath
I'd rather suffer my whole life
And be this rich mans wife
If loving you means suffering,
Then I don't want medication, just give me liberation
Even if it cuts my legs right out from under me
Don't give me medication, I want the real sensation
Even when living feels just like death to me."
Derek Webb - "Medication"
So we waited...and prayed...and hoped. We quoted the Scriptures and acted as if God was obligated to heal Denise. I went from arrogance to humility to desperation...all in a few hours. I realized later that our prayers can almost become a form of incantations...formulating the right words and the Word...twisting them around like a magic formula. But in that hospital room, I knew only one thing...my wife was slipping away...while we waited. A group of close friends from North Georgia drove down that evening to see Nece. Our friend Jon Yerby came too...Denise loved to worship when Jon was singing and leading...and there in that quiet, still room he sang to Denise...he sang over her these timeless words:
O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,
An ensign of Thy people be;
Before Thee rulers silent fall;
All peoples on Thy mercy call.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
The air was thick with the power of those words penned so long ago. I almost thought I saw Nece smile just ever so slightly. Our friends prayed with us, cried with us, and encouraged us to stand firm in our faith...and then they left to return home. If Nece had been able, I'm sure she would have quoted a line from a David Hogan sermon that we heard years ago...his son had been stricken with some type of demonic attack and was near death...someone wanted to call an ambulance, but Hogan wouldn't let them...He told them "Jesus is gonna show up any minute now and touch my boy...so just leave us be." Nece loved that...she said it many times..."Jesus is gonna show up any minute and heal me..."
Her breathing was now very difficult...only taking a gasping breath every 30-40 seconds...each breath brought relief to me...and the fear that it would be her last...but then she would gasp again...and my fear was relieved...and her suffering prolonged...
My sister was there with Linda and I as we waited past the midnight hour...and into the 1st day of June. Linda and I were both exhausted, so she curled up in a chair to try and get some sleep...and we prayed and waited...
A few minutes before 3am I knew I had to get some "rest". My sister agreed to keep watch and pray over Nece...and I stretched out in the chair..."I love you Nece", but I knew there would be no reply this time...Oh how wanted to hear those words...my favorite words that I'd heard every single night for almost 8 years..."I love you too, Moshe..." but not this time...not ever again...
My sister swears that Denise was waiting for me to go to sleep...the instant that I started to snore, the strangest and most beautiful thing happened...Denise lifted her head and looked with her blinded eyes towards the door...and she smiled. My sister says it was the biggest, most beautiful smile she had ever seen...my Nece smiled...and she was gone. My sister woke me and she was half laughing, half crying...she was more excited than I've ever seen her. She was trying to be sensitive to me, but...she had just watched my wife enter into glory. She was allowed to watch as Nece heard her Bridegroom call her name...and she ran to Him. Before we got married, Denise wrote me an incredible poem that we had framed...near the end of it she said something like "A perfect man God made only once and His bride waits for His return. The perfect man for me He has brought to me and this bride waits no more". I haven't thought about that poem in a while...but indeed...her waiting is over...and she will never need medication again.
And His Bride waits...and longs...and moans. Even now I'm struck by the fact that when Denise & first met online, her email address was Rev2217..."The Spirit and the Bride say come..."
That was the cry of her life from the age of 13 when she met Jesus...on June 1st, 2005 He came...to her.
I'll continue our journey soon...next stop...the Wedding.
Medication (Pt.2)
I am back in North Georgia. I have avoided writing for the past week...I knew that what is written below would be hard...and painful...and it was worse than I thought. Jesus, as each person reads this, I ask that you will touch the deep, wounded places of their hearts and heal them. Lord, you are familiar with grief and sorrow, and you are not unsympathetic...so please Lord, do what only you can do...In Jesus name!!
"Don't paint my face, I need to see the scars
So I won't forget the back of my tutors arm
Cuz' I jut can't keep it straight
Which kills and which one saves...
But I don't want medication, just give me liberation
Even if it cuts my legs right out from under me
Don't give me medication, I want the real sensation
Even when living feels just like death to me..."
Derek Webb - "Medication"
The waiting now moved to another level. For six months we had been waiting...waiting for a sign of progress...just an inkling of hope that this was going to end in victory. We were waiting for a miracle...for healing...we were waiting for...Him. Even as I write this now, the old Seth Thomas mantle clock ticks loudly...reminding me of the weight of the wait.
Just a week or so earlier I leaned close to my thinning wife and ask her the question that scared me the most: "Honey, have you prayed about this...have you considered whether maybe this is your time to go home?" She smiled and nodded and then replied that she just didn't believe it was her time. Then she said "Promise me something. Promise me that you won't stop fighting."
"Baby, I promise you we will fight until you take your last breath" I assured her, "and if you take your last breath, I will fight for your resurrection, and if that fails, we will know we were wrong and that it was your time."
So there we were...fighting...and waiting. I called everyone we knew..."Pray hard" I pleaded. The minutes of the day seemed eternal. We prayed, standing against fear and unbelief, only to be taunted by the sight of reality...wave after wave of fear...and the questions...the "what ifs".
By mid-afternoon, her breathing became sporadic...she slipped slowly from my grasp...she was conscious, but unable to respond...Her mom & I took turns standing near her, shaking her & telling her to breathe..."Breathe baby, you gotta breathe..."
Writing this is so hard, I don't know if I can finish...Jesus, help me to...to what? To remember what I'll surely never forget? Lord, help me to write...to tell of Nece's unwavering faith and trust in you...Lord Jesus, let your Holy Spirit do what He loves to do...to bring comfort.
We waited...and waited...and prayed...and cried...and prayed...and waited....and then....she lost her eyes...something horrific began to happen to her eyes...it started with a small dark spot, that grew...the fluid seemed to leave her eyes. She had the eyes of a lioness...brown with gold flecks...the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen...now going blind. These were the eyes that had looked at me and said "I Do". Yes, she spoke it with her mouth too, but her eyes said it more emphatically. These eyes of warmth and compassion had looked on me and she saw what others couldn't or wouldn't. She saw the treasure buried in a field inside of me and she said yes, I'll buy that field. She began to dig for that treasure in me...she called it forth. More than any person in my life, she looked at me through the eyes of the Lord. With her lioness eyes she laughed with me, and cried with me...I always said that I wanted our children to have her eyes...and now they were losing their light. It was the most difficult thing I ever watched...those eyes that were full of life just a few short months ago, days ago,..even hours ago...were now gone, replaced by reminders of the Fall...reminders of my powerlessness...reminders of my weakness...reminders of our fragility. Though I didn't know it then, it was also a reminder of...eternity.
Jesus refused the medication that would have made His pain less...I am not Jesus. I wanted to check out...at that very moment I wanted...medication...it hurt too much...but I had none.
"Don't paint my face, I need to see the scars
So I won't forget the back of my tutors arm
Cuz' I jut can't keep it straight
Which kills and which one saves...
But I don't want medication, just give me liberation
Even if it cuts my legs right out from under me
Don't give me medication, I want the real sensation
Even when living feels just like death to me..."
Derek Webb - "Medication"
The waiting now moved to another level. For six months we had been waiting...waiting for a sign of progress...just an inkling of hope that this was going to end in victory. We were waiting for a miracle...for healing...we were waiting for...Him. Even as I write this now, the old Seth Thomas mantle clock ticks loudly...reminding me of the weight of the wait.
Just a week or so earlier I leaned close to my thinning wife and ask her the question that scared me the most: "Honey, have you prayed about this...have you considered whether maybe this is your time to go home?" She smiled and nodded and then replied that she just didn't believe it was her time. Then she said "Promise me something. Promise me that you won't stop fighting."
"Baby, I promise you we will fight until you take your last breath" I assured her, "and if you take your last breath, I will fight for your resurrection, and if that fails, we will know we were wrong and that it was your time."
So there we were...fighting...and waiting. I called everyone we knew..."Pray hard" I pleaded. The minutes of the day seemed eternal. We prayed, standing against fear and unbelief, only to be taunted by the sight of reality...wave after wave of fear...and the questions...the "what ifs".
By mid-afternoon, her breathing became sporadic...she slipped slowly from my grasp...she was conscious, but unable to respond...Her mom & I took turns standing near her, shaking her & telling her to breathe..."Breathe baby, you gotta breathe..."
Writing this is so hard, I don't know if I can finish...Jesus, help me to...to what? To remember what I'll surely never forget? Lord, help me to write...to tell of Nece's unwavering faith and trust in you...Lord Jesus, let your Holy Spirit do what He loves to do...to bring comfort.
We waited...and waited...and prayed...and cried...and prayed...and waited....and then....she lost her eyes...something horrific began to happen to her eyes...it started with a small dark spot, that grew...the fluid seemed to leave her eyes. She had the eyes of a lioness...brown with gold flecks...the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen...now going blind. These were the eyes that had looked at me and said "I Do". Yes, she spoke it with her mouth too, but her eyes said it more emphatically. These eyes of warmth and compassion had looked on me and she saw what others couldn't or wouldn't. She saw the treasure buried in a field inside of me and she said yes, I'll buy that field. She began to dig for that treasure in me...she called it forth. More than any person in my life, she looked at me through the eyes of the Lord. With her lioness eyes she laughed with me, and cried with me...I always said that I wanted our children to have her eyes...and now they were losing their light. It was the most difficult thing I ever watched...those eyes that were full of life just a few short months ago, days ago,..even hours ago...were now gone, replaced by reminders of the Fall...reminders of my powerlessness...reminders of my weakness...reminders of our fragility. Though I didn't know it then, it was also a reminder of...eternity.
Jesus refused the medication that would have made His pain less...I am not Jesus. I wanted to check out...at that very moment I wanted...medication...it hurt too much...but I had none.
Medication (Pt.1)
I am back in Mississippi tonight and will be home in Georgia in a week or so. My time at IHOP-KC was incredible and the Lord did work so deeply in my heart that it may be years before I understand the implications. I feel like the Lord now wants me to begin writing some of the deepest, most painful parts of my journey. It will be difficult because it means re-living and re-telling the parts that I want most to forget. So grab a tissue and say a prayer for me.
Father, I pray for the grace to write words from my heart that reflect your heart. Lord I ask that every person who reads this post to encounter you wherever they are and to experience your love and healing power. In Jesus Name...
"Don't lie to me, just tell me something true
Because I'm only free, when I look at You
And You look so good it hurts, and Lord I come undone...
But I don't want medication, just give me liberation
Even if it cuts my legs right out from under me
Don't give me medication, I want the real sensation
Even when living feels just like death to me...." Derek Webb "Medication"
It was 6am on May 31st, 2005. The nurses couldn't get a pulse on Denise...her blood pressure was too low. Her breathing had become strained, gasping every 20 or 30 seconds; it was the beginning of what would be her last day as a prisoner to her now frail body. For six short and long months she had fought...we had fought...some of you had fought, and still we stood in faith. The nurses tried several times to get a BP reading, but this time nothing worked. They called in an on-call MD and the struggle to maintain faith became a war in my heart. The first question was tumbling off the lips of the kind lady doctor, almost in slow motion..."Do you want us to put her on life support?" Even as I type this the emotions overtake me...I walked to the bed and aroused my near-death wife, asking her the question that I already knew her answer to: "Wake up Nece...can you hear my baby?" She slowly looked into my eyes and nodded, her ability to speak gone since the previous night. "Do you want them to put you on a machine to keep you alive honey?" She shook her pretty head, the way I knew she would. "Are you sure?" Yes, she nodded. By now her Mom had arrived. The MD hesitated, asking the next question, which she obviously didn't want to ask..."Do you want us to resuscitate her?" Resuscitate her to what? A body wracked with cancer, and weakness...to keep her alive and out of the arms of her Eternal Bridegroom, so that I could watch her suffer some more? Her mom & I stepped outside to discuss the inevitable...her Mom (Linda) said it's the hardest thing she ever had to say...to tell the doctor "Don't resuscitate my child". They made us sign the paper and pasted our grave decision on the door for all to see..."DNR". I wonder now if the people walking those hollow halls that day noticed our sad, yet faith-filled sign? Could they possibly know that inside of that tiny room that they just so casually passed by...lay the most loved of daughters...the most cherished of wives...a warrior bride, who fought fiercely for her husband, for her friends and family...and now for her life...a bravehearted intercessor who was close to martyrdom in the arena of faith...trusting God til the very end. Could the passersby have fathomed that in less than 24 hours a daughter of Zion would suffer no more? Probably not...they obviously had their own heroes who were in some state of suffering or sickness. Next, was a simple, silly question.."Do you want us to take her to ICU?" "Is there anything special you can do there?" I asked. "No, just monitor her more closely." "Can we be with her?" "No." "Well, just leave her here please" we replied. The doctor acknowledge that she understood, gave us her condolences, and excused herself. We had been in the hospital in downtown Atlanta for 8 days (I think).
The nurses had all been amazing, especially one named Arjulia. She was a Christian, and had served us with the highest levels of love and compassion. She had hugged us, cryed with us, and prayed with us...and Denise really liked her. Another nurse came in and told us they were about to start Nece on a morphine IV drip. I had no idea at the time what an important decision I was about to make. I asked the nurse why, since Nece was in zero pain. She replied that it would "speed up the process." I told her we didn't want her on any medications "to speed it up". Her next statement was a bit of a shock..."It will make it easier on you and the family" she told me. The next words out of my mouth soon became my motto: "I don't want easy!". It was true then and still remains true now...I want to experience all of this...every ounce of loss, emotion, grief, loneliness...the whole enchilada. Why? Because I was born for this moment in time. The Lord has designed this very situation for me to endure and grow from...it is part of my life, whether I like it or not. So I don't want medication...
I'll journal the next phase of the day later, but I want to talk a minute about medication...not just pharmaceuticals, but all the ways that I'm tempted to numb myself. Within a week or so of Denise's death, the temptations began...walk away from God all the way back to the pit...take some pills, have some sex, smoke some dope, drink yourself into oblivion...forget it all, especially this God I was disappointed with...for the most part, by the grace of God, I resisted these. The forms of self-medicating that I did try had no appeal or hold on me, mainly because I liked them way too much and because I hated them too...the Lord held me tightly when I was completely unable to hold on to Him...He surrounded me with His grace, though I was too numb and shocked to "feel" His presence...He led me through the first set of tests, but more were waiting...and these were more subtle forms of self-medicating...watch TV all the time, play video games, go to the movies, rent a movie...escape, escape, escape they called to me...just check out mentally. I succumbed to some of these for a short season...I just didn't want to think...yet He wooed me still...then it got real tricky...the most subtle, deceitful temptation was yet to come...embracing the pain in the form of self-pity..."just feel sorry for yourself and quit serving this uncaring Lord of yours". It was so subtle that it almost worked...but this "uncaring" Lord of mine was faithful enough to speak to me, even when I wasn't listening and really didn't want to hear His voice. This is what He said........"Greg, self-pity is not your friend, it is your mortal enemy right now. It will destroy you if you let it." The message sunk into the deepest places of my spirit, and I took one step towards embracing my destiny...without the use of medication!
Father, I pray for the grace to write words from my heart that reflect your heart. Lord I ask that every person who reads this post to encounter you wherever they are and to experience your love and healing power. In Jesus Name...
"Don't lie to me, just tell me something true
Because I'm only free, when I look at You
And You look so good it hurts, and Lord I come undone...
But I don't want medication, just give me liberation
Even if it cuts my legs right out from under me
Don't give me medication, I want the real sensation
Even when living feels just like death to me...." Derek Webb "Medication"
It was 6am on May 31st, 2005. The nurses couldn't get a pulse on Denise...her blood pressure was too low. Her breathing had become strained, gasping every 20 or 30 seconds; it was the beginning of what would be her last day as a prisoner to her now frail body. For six short and long months she had fought...we had fought...some of you had fought, and still we stood in faith. The nurses tried several times to get a BP reading, but this time nothing worked. They called in an on-call MD and the struggle to maintain faith became a war in my heart. The first question was tumbling off the lips of the kind lady doctor, almost in slow motion..."Do you want us to put her on life support?" Even as I type this the emotions overtake me...I walked to the bed and aroused my near-death wife, asking her the question that I already knew her answer to: "Wake up Nece...can you hear my baby?" She slowly looked into my eyes and nodded, her ability to speak gone since the previous night. "Do you want them to put you on a machine to keep you alive honey?" She shook her pretty head, the way I knew she would. "Are you sure?" Yes, she nodded. By now her Mom had arrived. The MD hesitated, asking the next question, which she obviously didn't want to ask..."Do you want us to resuscitate her?" Resuscitate her to what? A body wracked with cancer, and weakness...to keep her alive and out of the arms of her Eternal Bridegroom, so that I could watch her suffer some more? Her mom & I stepped outside to discuss the inevitable...her Mom (Linda) said it's the hardest thing she ever had to say...to tell the doctor "Don't resuscitate my child". They made us sign the paper and pasted our grave decision on the door for all to see..."DNR". I wonder now if the people walking those hollow halls that day noticed our sad, yet faith-filled sign? Could they possibly know that inside of that tiny room that they just so casually passed by...lay the most loved of daughters...the most cherished of wives...a warrior bride, who fought fiercely for her husband, for her friends and family...and now for her life...a bravehearted intercessor who was close to martyrdom in the arena of faith...trusting God til the very end. Could the passersby have fathomed that in less than 24 hours a daughter of Zion would suffer no more? Probably not...they obviously had their own heroes who were in some state of suffering or sickness. Next, was a simple, silly question.."Do you want us to take her to ICU?" "Is there anything special you can do there?" I asked. "No, just monitor her more closely." "Can we be with her?" "No." "Well, just leave her here please" we replied. The doctor acknowledge that she understood, gave us her condolences, and excused herself. We had been in the hospital in downtown Atlanta for 8 days (I think).
The nurses had all been amazing, especially one named Arjulia. She was a Christian, and had served us with the highest levels of love and compassion. She had hugged us, cryed with us, and prayed with us...and Denise really liked her. Another nurse came in and told us they were about to start Nece on a morphine IV drip. I had no idea at the time what an important decision I was about to make. I asked the nurse why, since Nece was in zero pain. She replied that it would "speed up the process." I told her we didn't want her on any medications "to speed it up". Her next statement was a bit of a shock..."It will make it easier on you and the family" she told me. The next words out of my mouth soon became my motto: "I don't want easy!". It was true then and still remains true now...I want to experience all of this...every ounce of loss, emotion, grief, loneliness...the whole enchilada. Why? Because I was born for this moment in time. The Lord has designed this very situation for me to endure and grow from...it is part of my life, whether I like it or not. So I don't want medication...
I'll journal the next phase of the day later, but I want to talk a minute about medication...not just pharmaceuticals, but all the ways that I'm tempted to numb myself. Within a week or so of Denise's death, the temptations began...walk away from God all the way back to the pit...take some pills, have some sex, smoke some dope, drink yourself into oblivion...forget it all, especially this God I was disappointed with...for the most part, by the grace of God, I resisted these. The forms of self-medicating that I did try had no appeal or hold on me, mainly because I liked them way too much and because I hated them too...the Lord held me tightly when I was completely unable to hold on to Him...He surrounded me with His grace, though I was too numb and shocked to "feel" His presence...He led me through the first set of tests, but more were waiting...and these were more subtle forms of self-medicating...watch TV all the time, play video games, go to the movies, rent a movie...escape, escape, escape they called to me...just check out mentally. I succumbed to some of these for a short season...I just didn't want to think...yet He wooed me still...then it got real tricky...the most subtle, deceitful temptation was yet to come...embracing the pain in the form of self-pity..."just feel sorry for yourself and quit serving this uncaring Lord of yours". It was so subtle that it almost worked...but this "uncaring" Lord of mine was faithful enough to speak to me, even when I wasn't listening and really didn't want to hear His voice. This is what He said........"Greg, self-pity is not your friend, it is your mortal enemy right now. It will destroy you if you let it." The message sunk into the deepest places of my spirit, and I took one step towards embracing my destiny...without the use of medication!